How Can Women Manage Their Mental Health During Menopause?

Menopause is defined as the time beyond which our periods have ended. It happens because our egg supply diminishes, meaning that we produce less and less of the hormone oestrogen.

Oestrogen has a protective effect. It helps regulate temperature and sleep and also has a part to play in memory and bone strength. Of course, it is also a major player in fertility, alongside progesterone and testosterone. Decline of progesterone levels happens in the years before menopause - in perimenopause - and this loss causes symptoms such as loss of libido and motivation.

When we are in our fertile years, between puberty and menopause, our brains are awash with oestrogen. It helps us adapt to motherhood, regulates our periods, and promotes brain health, amongst other actions.

So as oestrogen levels drop as we enter perimenopause, our brain has to learn to manage without it.

What are the symptoms that women struggle with?

Firstly, not everyone struggles with menopause. Around 20% of women will sail through and hardly notice it happened. 60% will experience mild to moderate symptoms. Only the remaining 20% will experience symptoms severe enough to impact their daily lives. 

Here are the top 4 symptoms …

Hot flushes

One of the most common symptoms is hot flushes (or flashes). These immense surges of heat occur because oestrogen normally regulates temperature. In its absence, the range of temperature that is manageable for us becomes much smaller. Women in menopause often experience being too cold as well as too hot.

On their own, hot flushes may not be too much of a concern. They become problematic when women experience them at inconvenient or inappropriate moments. So, for example it may be fine to have a hot flush whilst you’re chatting with a good friend at home. Not so great if you’re presenting an important idea at a work meeting.

Poor sleep

Women in menopause and perimenopause often report poor sleep. They may fall asleep easily and then wake in the night and be unable to fall asleep again.

Sometimes the problem is temperature regulation. During menopause, we experience night sweats and hot flushes which keep us awake. Sometimes it may even mean changing the sheets.

Lack of sleep leads to a myriad of other symptoms, not least of which is - 

Brain fog

Brain fog includes the feeling that it’s impossible to make decisions, find words, remember names. It’s frustrating, embarrassing and can be frightening. It can lead to a loss of confidence in even the most confident and competent women.

As a hypnotherapist, one of the main reasons women come to see me in perimenopause and menopause is because of a loss of confidence, caused by brain fog.

This loss of confidence shows up in all sorts of ways; in relationships, at work, when driving. Even simple decisions become difficult when brain fog gets in the way. We can wonder if we are losing our minds.

Depression

Hot flushes leading to poor sleep and brain fog with a resultant loss of confidence, can create depression.

The reality is, that these symptoms and our menopause often run alongside other major life events.

At this time in our lives, there are social pressures that come from ageing, ageing parents, children leaving home, illness, bereavement and a host of others. It’s hardly surprising that we feel an impact on our mental health.

So, what can we do about it all?!

Firstly, check in with your GP. Symptoms of menopause are similar to those of other conditions, so get checked and know what you’re dealing with. You may want to discuss HRT (hormone replacement therapy) which can be extremely effective in managing symptoms. Not everyone wants HRT though, and some women are excluded from taking it for various health reasons. If you’re not ready or able to go down that route, here are some effective strategies to help.

•  Stay healthy. Find some exercise that you enjoy - do it with friends. Exercise is one of the most effective ways to manage the symptoms of menopause, and of course it has fantastic side effects! Low impact and strength-based activities such as walking, and Pilates are currently thought to be most beneficial for midlife women. When you exercise with friends, or join a new group, you also reap the rewards of support and connection.

• Eat healthily and investigate the foods which are especially beneficial for women in menopause. I can recommend Emma Skilton and Margaret Bell as nutritional experts for women in midlife. You may also want to look at the Blue Zones website, where you’ll discover how communities around the world stay healthy for longer.

• Discover a new perspective. You may have to change the way you see things and see yourself. This is a new phase of life, one which you haven’t experienced before. What are the opportunities? It’s easy to see what’s going wrong. When you make a deliberate decision to choose to see what’s going right, you can change your life. Solution Focused therapy can help with this, by increasing your confidence and motivation.

• Plan for change. Change is inevitable and as women we are fantastic at adapting. We have spent our lives with changing moods and phases brought about by our hormones, and in some ways, menopause is no different. What IS different is that in this stage of life we have a power and experience that can mean we can shape this new phase in unexpected and exciting ways. So instead of worrying that you will miss your children when they fly the nest, be ready with a new hobby or interest. Instead of mourning your ability to party until dawn, learn how to enjoy the sunrise from a hilltop or a beach.

• Learn to relax. Real, deep relaxation is beneficial for both physical and mental health. When we relax deeply, we stimulate the part of our nervous system that regulates our digestion, blood pressure and heart rate. If you can also take yourself into a hypnotic state, you’ll experience a refresh of your mind which will clear the brain fog.

• Take a nap. A strategic 20-minute nap is like magic! I’m known as ‘The Queen of the Power Nap’ and for good reason. If you nap for around 20 minutes and no longer, and your nap is complete by 4pm, it won’t affect your night-time sleep. In fact, you will probably discover that you sleep better at night.

• Recognise your resources. It’s easy to feel that you have lost your confidence and sparkle when they get covered up by menopause symptoms. They are definitely still there. Sometimes we just need a little help to rediscover them. Doing some of the things mentioned above can help. If you need a bit more, ask for recommendations for a good therapist or coach.

Remember that menopause, like all other cycles of our lives, will pass. Talking, sharing, and educating yourself about the symptoms can make it feel less daunting.

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At Aloft Hypnotherapy, founder Sally Potter has focused on supporting women to truly take control of their mental health and well-being and has created a specialist, holistic approach to help. Using a gentle mix of solution focused questioning, hypnosis, and a sprinkle of neuroscience, she guides clients to recognise their strengths, to create the future they want, free from fear, and full of confidence.

Solutions range from group relaxation classes and one-to-one hypnotherapy to residential retreats. To discover more, you can visit alofthypnotherapy.com, or linktr.ee/pottersaloft

Staying In Control Of Your Finances And Managing Financial Stress

Today’s article is being contributed by Rebecca Robertson from Evolution Financial Planning. With over 22 years’ experience in the financial services industry, Rebecca is the woman to go to if you need financial advice. Rebecca understands the financial difficulties specifically faced by women, including the stress that managing finances can cause. So I’m sure you’ll love this article and find some useful knowledge to carry with you.

Staying in control of your finances and managing financial stress

We all experience at least some level of stress in our day to day lives. But the added pressure of financial stress on top of whatever else you have going on can really make things hard to bear. Trust me, it doesn’t have to be this way. Obviously I could never have a full understanding of your financial situation without meeting you. However I am willing to bet there are some things you could start doing that will help you to get in control of your finances and start worrying a bit less about money!

If you feel like you need to discuss your financial situation in detail, talk to a seasoned expert and get the in-depth financial advice you deserve, here.

Understanding financial stress and its effects on your life

People who are under the most amounts of financial stress tend to be either unemployed or working low income jobs. These are difficult situations and I would never try to belittle anyone else’s personal struggle. However there are also a lot of people under financial stress whose situations are not as dire as they might think. Wherever you lie on this stress spectrum, I am here to tell you that there are actions you can take TODAY that will give you more control of your finances. But first, let me tell you why you should do it TODAY.

While it is normal for most people to occasionally stress about money, it becomes a serious problem when you can’t enjoy your life due to constantly having money on your mind. Financial stress left unchecked could develop into more severe mental health issues that will impact your quality of life. Bad mental health can lead to bad physical health and that is why it is so important for you to get in control of your finances as soon as possible. Don’t let it go that far if you can help it.

Financial stress and unhealthy coping mechanisms

People who are dealing with a lot of financial stress also often develop unhealthy coping mechanisms. If you are someone who is struggling with some bad habits then maybe you should think about whether or not these coping mechanisms/habits are rooted in financial stress. Unhealthy coping mechanisms caused by financial stress can range from over eating all the way to drug abuse. But the way to combat bad habits is with good habits and fortunately for you, we specialise in developing good financial habits and maintaining them.

How to budget to control your finances and manage financial stress

Life can be unpredictable and that is why budgeting is such an important financial skill to develop for anyone. If you can work out exactly how much money you need to get by each month and then set that aside this will reduce the financial stress you experience significantly.

Ultimately if you want to be in control of your finances, you have to take control. So I would strongly advise you to de-clutter your budget. Find out exactly how much money is coming in each month, then set aside however much of that you need to pay bills, buy food etc. Then work out exactly how much money is leaving your account each month and try to whittle this down until your outgoings are only spent on absolute essentials. The more you learn to control where your money goes, the less stressed out you will be about it.

Taking control of your finances one step at a time

Being affected by financial stress does not necessarily mean that you are struggling to afford basic necessities. Some people have enough money to get by each month but they are running out of time to save for something that is important to them. Wherever you are with your finances, it never hurts to start with a list.

Make a list of everything that is stressing you out financially. Get everything down on paper no matter how small. Then choose the one that is most important to you now and start inching towards a solution. Stay focused on this one thing until it is dealt with and then move onto the next biggest thing on the list. This way you can avoid feeling overwhelmed and hopeless.

Even if you cannot tackle the list on your own, at the very least you have a roadmap of how you are going to take control of your finances. If you need assistance you can take this list/roadmap of your finances to an expert and they will be able to see exactly where and what you need help with.

If you are feeling financially stressed you are not alone and you can get help

I hope I have given you an idea of how to cope with financial stress and how you can start re-taking control of your finances in this article. Financial stress does not discriminate and I guarantee you will know or have known someone who is or has been struggling financially. So if you need help, reach out to experts and start taking steps towards being financially stress free today.

 If you want advice on anything from insurance to investments, get in touch with a seasoned financial advisor today.

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If you are struggling with your mental health, please do speak out: you could talk to your GP, a friend, family member or colleague, or book an appointment with a counsellor.

How Sleep Impacts On Your Mental Health

During an initial session with a new client, one of the areas we often explore is their quality of sleep, as I know the impact that poor quality sleep can have on our mental health. Getting a good night’s sleep is key to being able to regulate our emotions, maintain our window of tolerance, and keep our mental, emotional and physical health in good condition.

“Given that a single sleepless night can make you irritable and moody the following day, it’s not surprising that chronic sleep debt may lead to long-term mood disorders like clinical depression and generalised anxiety disorder in adults.”

— NHS UK Live Well

Sleep, alongside food, water, air, is an essential requirement for human beings. It is a basic biological need. But in addition, good quality sleep is necessary for our mental health. We know that good sleep is vital for our cognitive performance: our own experiences can tell us that when we are tired, haven’t slept well or for long enough, that we are less able to maintain focus and concentration, that we make mistakes, become distracted or cannot retain information. We cannot process information as quickly, our executive functioning is poorer. This in turn can impact on our mental health: we may see ourselves in a negative light, being critical of ourselves, losing self-confidence or self-esteem.

Poor quality sleep can impact on us physically: increasing appetite, feeling lethargic, for example. According to The World Sleep Society, lack of sleep has also been linked to significant health problems such as diabetes, high blood pressure, weakened immune systems, and heart problems. And the result can be that we feel unmotivated, lose confidence, feel unattractive, become anxious about our health. If we are not achieving, not feeling satisfied or worthy, feeling physically unwell, our mental health is at significant risk. Mental health conditions that can be linked to lack of sleep, or poor quality sleep, are depression, anxiety, having intrusive thoughts, psychosis.

“Most sleep disorders are preventable or treatable, yet less than one-third of sufferers seek professional help.”

— The World Sleep Society

So what makes for a “good night’s sleep”?

The World Sleep Society suggest three main elements:

• Duration: sleeping long enough for you to feel “rested and alert” the next day;

• Continuity: periods of sleep are ideally unbroken or disturbed;

• Depth: sleep should be deep enough to be restorative.

TOP TIPS FOR A GOOD NIGHT’s Sleep

To optimise your sleep, it can be helpful to create a sleep routine. No, bedtime routines are not just for babies and toddlers! Having a regular sleep-wake cycle (going to bed and getting up at routine times) can make a considerable difference to the quality of your sleep. Paying attention to the environmental factors, your mindset and activities can all contribute to getting that much-desired “good night’s sleep”. Often people tell me that they find it hard to get to sleep because they are feeling anxious, on edge or cannot switch off. The tendency is to try and relax once we get into bed. However, by this time, if we’re feeling stressed, it can often be too late. Ideally, it’s preferable to try and regulate before getting into bed, so that the brain associates bed with a sense of calm, relaxation and sleep.

Create the right conditions

• Try avoiding all sources of caffeine a few hours before bed. Remember caffeine isn’t just in coffee; it’s also in things like tea, chocolate, and fizzy drinks. Sugar, alcohol and nicotine should also be avoided if possible.

• Keep your bedroom for sleeping: checking emails, social media or making lists in bed may stop your brain associating the bedroom as a place of quiet rest and, instead, the bedroom becomes associated as a place of cognitive activity. If you are tempted to check your phone last thing at night, try switching it off, or leaving it in another room. If you need an alarm, perhaps swap your phone for a clock: there are some great non-ticking clocks out there!

• Circadian rhythms (our 24 hour body clock) are influenced by light and temperature. Ensuring you are not too cold or hot can make a big difference to your sleep. Similarly, think about the light levels in your room. Some people sleep better in total darkness, whereas others may benefit from a night light to help them feel more safe and secure (yes, even adults!).

• Consider your activities: doing exercise is a great way to relax, however, the endorphins released from exercise can also impact on sleep, so try to avoid exercising within two hours of bedtime. Perhaps try a lavender bath, reading a relaxing book, or listening to soothing music.

• Eating melatonin-rich food can be helpful (melatonin is the hormone that helps us feel sleepy), such as bananas, blueberries, cherries, pistachios, wholemeal toast, a glass of warm milk.

• Meditation and breathing exercises can also help: controlling your breathing, exhaling in a slow, steady way, sends a message to the brain to slow the heart rate. It activates the parasympathetic response, which helps us feel calmer, more relaxed, reducing the flow of cortisol (the stress hormone). Gentle yoga poses, such as Child’s Pose, can also help trigger our body’s calming response. Listen to a guided relaxation or peaceful music. Headspace and Calm are both good apps to try.

• Progressive muscle relation (tensing and relaxing different muscles) can reduce stress, by decreasing the heart rate and decreasing the flow of cortisol (the stress hormone). It can create a deep sense of relaxation.

Waking in the night

If you wake in the night, and don’t fall back to sleep quickly, it’s generally better to get out of bed than to lie there tossing and turning. If possible, move to another part of the house, listen to something soothing, practice some relaxation techniques and return to bed when you are feeling sleepy. Try and ignore the clock: I’m sure that at some point we’ve all done some clock watching, lying there calculating how many hours’ sleep we can have if we go to sleep now, but this often causes us to feel more distressed about losing sleep. Ultimately, sleep can’t be forced, so try and turn the clock away from you, and close your eyes, focus on your breathing, or a calming image, and allow sleep to come naturally.

Still Struggling?

If you have made sustained changes to your sleep routine and find that you continue to have disturbed sleep, or insomnia, it may be advisable to speak to your GP. You can find more advice about sleep issues from the NHS Every Mind Matters site.

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If you are struggling with your mental health, please do speak out: you could talk to your GP, a friend, family member or colleague, or book an appointment with a counsellor.

Aislinn Marek is a qualified person-centred counsellor, registered with the BACP. She has worked within the NHS, education and private practice for many years, and is passionate about supporting people with their mental health.

Aislinn is also the author of The Sleep Book: Helping Busy Brains Settle For Sleep, a book for children and their parents/carers.

Taking Care Of Your Mental Health In Autumn

Autumn can often seem to creep up on us. One day we’re enjoying the summer warmth, enjoying ice cream or fish and chips at the beach, and the next day the "big coat" is out, the boots are on, and for me, the electric blanket is warming my bed! Personally, I love autumn, for its beautiful colours, excuse to snuggle under cosy blankets, wear chunky jumpers and indulge in hot chocolates. And who can resist the lure of jumping in a leaf pile in your wellies?!

“Autumn...the year’s last, loveliest smile.”

— William Cullent Bryant

But it can be easy to slip into low mood and depression in the "ber" months, as the nights draw in and we're battered by wind and rain. The seasonal change in sunlight and temperature can result in a drop in serotonin, impact on our circadian rhythm and disrupt our melatonin production. All of these can impact on our mental health. So here are my top tips for looking after your mental health in autumn.

Keep active

When it's a bit chilly and dark, we often feel like curling up, keeping warm and staying in, but it's important to keep your body moving. Keeping moving, and exercising, can be crucial to beating the low mood that can accompany autumn, as the light starts to fade and the temperature drops. Getting outdoors if you can is good for boosting your vitamin D (helpful for your mood, immune system, bone health etc), but indoor exercise is beneficial too, as it releases endorphins (feel good hormones), keeps you physically healthy and helps keep you warmer.

Get outside

Try and get outside in the fresh air (if you can find some sunshine, even better!) Taking a short walk on your lunch break, or just stepping outside for a few moments can make a big difference to your mood, especially if you are working inside all day. The change of air, environment, and exercise all help keep you mentally healthy. Autumn can offer some inspiring sunsets, if you venture out for a walk at the end of the day.

Perhaps go for a sensory walk, noticing what you can hear, smell, see, etc. Autumn is such a sensory-rich season: the crunch of leaves underfoot, the beautiful orange and red leaves.

Eat well

Eating fruit and vegetables helps to boost your mental health, along with foods rich in omega-3 fatty acids. There are a variety of seasonal fruit and veg in autumn: carrots, pumpkins, blackberries, watercress. Eating seasonally means that food is often cheaper and at its best, as well as being better for the environment and often supporting local economy (which all makes us feel good!) If you are lacking motivation for cooking, using a slowcooker or batch cooking can be a good solution. Having a warm dinner waiting for you when you get home can really lift your spirits on a cold, wet night.

Cinnamon is one of my favourite autumnal flavours and it has so many benefits for our mental and physical health. It has anti-inflammatory properties, is loaded with antioxidants, has been linked to a reduction in heart disease and can be beneficial in alleviating digestive symptoms. Whilst more research is needed, there is some evidence to suggest that smelling cinnamon can help with cognitive functions and improving memory. Its warming and stimulating properties are helpful for those feeling low and lethargic.

Make contact

Many of us are aware of the impact of isolation on our mental health (especially in light of the recent pandemic). Though it can be tempting to curl up in the warmth at home, feelings of loneliness and disconnection can creep in. Consider planning a few meet ups and putting them on your calendar: having things to look forward to can lift your mood, and having pre-planned events helps keep you motivated and engaged, especially when you perhaps don’t have the energy for spontaneity. And if a physical meet up feels too much, perhaps having a good old fashioned phone call might feel more beneficial.

Be proactive

If you know that the autumn and winter months can trigger low mood, anxiety or depression for you, especially if you suffer with Seasonal Affective Disorder, take action and be proactive. Practicing mindfulness is a way to help you stay present and focused. Focus on the things you can do to stay healthy in mind, body and spirit.

It’s ok to say no to invitations, if you feel overwhelmed by social activities (more indoor gatherings start to be planned in these months, which can feel uncomfortable for some people, especially following the Covid-19 restrictions). Think about the events or people that mean the most to you, and prioritise those.

Think about how you can boost your immune system, ensuring you get enough sleep, sunlight, exercise, eating a healthy diet, taking supplements, if necessary.

Embrace it

Autumn can have lots to offer in different cultures: Thanksgiving, Halloween, Bonfire Night, for example. There is conker-collecting, walks in the forest, harvest festivals, lantern trials, pumpkin-picking, bat-watching, making hedgehog bread, firework displays, kite-flying, just to name a few! Looking forward to the spring might help your mood: planting bulbs such as daffodils or tulips at this time of year will give you a wonderful display of colour in the spring.

Perhaps take some time to reflect on what autumn can offer you and embrace it.

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Autumn reflection

Step outside and pause.

See the rich, autumnal colours.

Breathe in the earthy scents.

Listen to the leaves crunch beneath your feet.

Feel the breeze upon your cheek.

Pause.

Just be.

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If you are struggling with your mental health, please do speak out: you could talk to your GP, a friend, family member or colleague, or book an appointment with a counsellor.

Aislinn Marek is a qualified person-centred counsellor, registered with the BACP. She has worked within the NHS, education and private practice for many years, and is passionate about supporting people with their mental health.

Our Words Matter

I recently had the privilege of talking with Adam Glennon, the author of Why Do They Always Shout? A Dad’s Perspective. Using a creative non-fiction approach, Adam blends real life family-related experiences with a fictional prose, allowing him to explore personal topics in an often tongue-in-cheek way. The book, whilst Adam professes it to be the very antithesis of a parenting manual, does offer thought-provoking stories about many elements of parenting, from being sleep-deprived, to baby-wearing, to navigating lock-down as a parent. One theme I was particularly drawn to was Adam’s awareness of the language we use with our children, and much it can impact upon on them, as well as the importance of encouraging appropriate risk-taking and opportunities. In one of his chapters, Adam talks about the use of the words, “Be careful!” and, for me, it brought an awareness of how often I use those words, without really explaining what I actually want the children to be wary of, or how they could assess and manage risk for themselves.

Another example of the importance of how we communicate with children is discussed in the chapter, “Talking to Strangers”, which Adam has kindly agreed for me to share here.

Talking to Strangers

There are many sayings from childhood that spring to mind now I’m the parent.

“Wash behind your ears or spuds will grow there.”

Classic.

“Don’t pick your nose - your head will cave in.”

Used by every teacher at my primary school throughout the 1980s.

I guess they’re supposed to be fun, yet I can’t help but think that at the core they instil a sense of fear within a child’s easily coerced mind. You know, back from the good old days when children were to be “seen and not heard,” and it was the norm to give your kids a good smack now and again. For their own good, of course. Knowing Arlo as I do, he thinks very literally and if I said his head will cave in if he picks his nose, I reckon he’ll be discussing it in therapy for most of his adult life.

What we really want is for children, anyone, to not pick their nose while you’re trying to have a civil conversation with them. 

‘Can you stop doing that while we’re talking please?’

‘Wait a second, neeearly got it.’

Once the rooting is complete, the picker is faced with that universal decision; whether to wipe it on the furniture or roll it into a ball and flick it across the room or, option three, a popular choice with kids, eat it! I’ve witnessed a few bloody noses as a result of over enthusiastic rooting - suffered a few myself - and I’ve seen some humongous bogeys balanced on the end of proud fingers, but I have never, not once, seen a child’s head implode while doing it. Or heard of it happening to anyone.

‘Good morning, children,’ The headteacher says.

‘Gooood mooooorning, Miss.’

‘I have some terrible news. We’ve been informed that Steven Parkes from year 4, who was caught picking his nose yesterday while queuing for lunch, later suffered from a collapsed head. His parents said he’s now three inches smaller. Let this be a lesson to you all!’

Never happened.

And spuds behind the ear! Don’t get me started. I remember checking while in the bath, convinced I must have some. It’s hard to connect with the distant memory but the residue of confusion was very clear. The last thing I would have thought of doing back then was ask someone if it was true or not. Oh no. Much better to allow the thoughts to rattle around inside my brain, unchallenged, able to mutate into something much worse.

I don’t want my boys to be confused about their bodies.

Or the multi-verse either!

I remember lying on my Nana’s sheep skin rug when I was about eight, and from nowhere I was struck suddenly by one of those uncontrollable shivers that moves through your whole body. I’m eight, so I don’t give it much thought. You just accept it as another one of them weird body things no one talks about; like constipation and that crusty bit in your eye unhelpfully referred to as “sleep.”

I shivered. I accepted. I moved on.

Then…

‘That’s someone walking over your grave,’ Nana said.

Mind blown!

I was watching H.R. Pufnstuf on VHS at the time, which was weird enough, but this was next level. I don’t think a week passes without reliving that moment and linking it to my childhood curiosity of the supernatural and all things weird. Was someone walking over my grave in the past or the future? Was my Nana a time traveller? Why was someone walking over my grave anyway? Have they no respect for the dead?

My life was never the same.

Some sayings were actually quite sensible. More like instructions.

“Stop, Look, Listen and Think.”

A lifesaving instruction that was drilled into us and for good reason. But I think there’s one saying which trumps them all. It was blasted into my impressionable young mind from all directions by family members and teachers alike:

“Don’t talk to strangers.”

Right. I get it. I understand why this was promoted so fiercely. The world can be harsh. Dangerous. We know there are people out there capable of hurting children. History shows us what they are capable of. The horrific Moors murders of the 1960’s were probably still fresh in the minds of the adults of the 1980’s, which meant they were very aware of the potential dangers out there. Then in 1990 two boys abducted a toddler and the world was faced with some scary truths; suddenly, children weren’t even safe from their own. Strangers weren’t just men and women trying to entice little ones into cars with sweets anymore. Danger was everywhere.

“Don’t talk to strangers,” had never been more vital.

Scary times.

But, for me and my boys in the here and now, our days are significantly brightened by our interactions with strangers. I talk to strangers every day. Random grandads outside the supermarket. A nana on the bus. Other parents at the park or library. My boys see this and know that it’s natural to interact with others.

When we enter Stockport library, I let my boys explore. I allow a little feral. Controlled feral. Not pushing all the books off the shelves feral. There are spinning chairs in the middle of the main area and they’re lots of fun to sit on and use for imaginative play. The bookcases are perfect for playing hide and seek and chase. You’re probably reading this and thinking it doesn’t sound like suitable behaviour for a library… and you’re absolutely right. Will not argue with you on that one.

Most of the people in there tap away on keyboards, read books, and generally just ignore my kids or others with similar feral plans. Sometimes parents, like me, who are trying to offer their children freedom while respecting the right of other users to not be dribbled on or disturbed, will gravitate towards each other, discuss their feral kids, and play the who’s-had-less-sleep game. I always win.

There are so many social issues to consider while interacting with new people. I have an appreciation for a person’s personal space and their right to be left alone. There are social anxieties, cultural differences and a vast array of other reasons why a stranger may not want to interact with you or your touchy-feely kids. I explain to both boys the importance of understanding personal boundaries and how to judge through people’s facial expressions and body language whether they want to interact or not. They don’t always get it right but I try and stay alert to their movements so I can jump in before Ove climbs up on some random guy’s knee and starts rewording his emails on the library computer!

But how can they learn to relate to strangers and navigate tricky social interactions without the opportunity to practice and engage? They can’t, can they? There’s risk involved of course. Allowing them to push the boundaries may result in them receiving a telling off from someone. The interaction would then present an opportunity to explain to the boys about what had happened, how it had escalated, and how it could be avoided in the future.

And I’m sure they’d nod, pretend to understand, then do it again five minutes later.

We want to keep our children safe. But in the same breath, we don’t hide all the knives in the kitchen or put armbands on them each time we visit a park to feed the ducks. A spot of common sense is required me thinks. Instead of saying don’t talk to stranger, we tell our boys to never go anywhere, with anyone, without letting us know first. We’ve told Arlo, as gently as possible, that not everyone you meet is a good person. We’ve discussed characters in films who enjoy hurting children or animals (Cruella De Vil is a good example) and this helped to give a little context to the conversation.

There is a saying that sprung to mind recently. Something I have extensive knowledge of.

Ever heard the one about playing with your willy too much? That it’ll drop off! Guess what? Mine’s still fully attached, and I’ve been playing with it for years. I am genuinely concerned for Arlo’s well-being though. If he continues tugging on his, with an enthusiasm I’ve never witnessed before, he could be the first to lose it.

‘Dad. It came off.’

‘I didn’t think it was possible, Son. But you proved me wrong.’

‘What am I going to do now?’

‘You’re going to stop picking your nose for a start.’

(c) Adam Glennon

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To find out more about Adam’s book, the story behind it and more, have a listen to our conversation

Adam Glennon writes about his life as a parent and husband using Creative Non-fiction. Which means it's kind of true but exaggerated for effect. You can find out more about Adam, his book and his writing style over on his website or Facebook page.

Taking Time Off Work ... Without Feeling Guilty

The last few months haven’t been easy.  At the end of May 2021, I had to take some time off work: I had suddenly become unwell, and was unable to drive or see clients.  I needed a break and I knew a week or two wasn’t going to be enough.  I was already spinning a number of unpredictable plates, including having two primary school aged children (one about to transition to high school) and being self-employed, and this unexpected illness was one plate too many.  I thought it was better to put some plates down, rather than let them all fall and smash!  And so, after a talk with my clinical supervisor and family, I contacted my clients and let them know. 

Fast forward to today and, fortunately, I am better and am back at work, now my children are back at school (picking up one plate at a time, rather than the whole lot in one go!)

Putting Down the plates

Part of the reason for writing this is to say, “Hello, I’m back!” and share a little of what has been going on behind the scenes(and why my social media has been so quiet!)  But the main reason is to say that we all have a number of plates we are spinning, and that it’s okay to put some of those plates down now and again.  Whether that means asking for help with childcare, cleaning, shopping, reducing hours or taking some time off work; you’re allowed to ask for help. None of us is super-human (sorry to break to that to you!)

For many of us, however, taking time off work feels impossible: we feel too guilty, we have people depending on us, right? The “what-ifs” seem endless. What if I fall too far behind with my work?  What if people think I’m faking? What if my colleagues / employers / clients no longer value me?  What about money? What if I find I just can’t face going back? And often, our work is such an integral part of who we are, that if we stop work for a while, we can feel like we are losing part of ourselves.

It’s important for us to remember that we are human beings, not robots.  We charge our mobile phones, laptops, tablets; we put fuel in our cars; we take care of the things that help us do our jobs.  But how much do we take care of ourselves? And are we able to see our own needs as being important?

Prevention is a good medicine

Ideally, we can take a proactive attitude to preventing illness (both mental and physical).  We can look after ourselves using such tools as nutrition, aromatherapy, yoga and exercise.  We can get organised, boost our confidence and manage our stress levels.  We can create a healthy work/life balance (yes, such a thing can exist!). We can engage in counselling to help us feel more self-aware or balanced, or work through tricky situations, thoughts or feelings. We can have a practice of checking in with what’s going on in our lives, recognising what we need, and taking action. Thus, we can keep the plates spinning.

Curve Balls

“Worryingly, over half (52.5%) of professionals said they feel too guilty to take time off when they’re genuinely ill.”

— CV-Library Ltd, 2019

But sometimes, even with the best plans, programmes, routines, etc, life throws us a curve ball we can’t dodge, and we have to make the decision to take time off.  When you recognise you are not well or need to take time off for whatever reason, it’s important to give yourself permission to do that: take time off and focus on what you need. Recognise your worth and make sure your needs are met.  Pushing through illness or stress rarely serves anyone (you or your employer/company): we can become more unwell, more stressed, our performance can be impacted upon and it frequently creates more problems. How many of us drag ourselves in to work when we don’t feel 100%, and then make ourselves worse so we end up taking a week off instead of a day? If you force yourself to carry on, the likelihood is that you’re not going to be productive, it could be dangerous (depending on your role), and honestly, you’re not going to win a medal for carrying on at work when you’re not really able to (sorry to disappoint you!) Think about what you would say to a friend or relative in the same situation: you’d want them to take care of themselves, right? Try and acknowledge where you are at, and give yourself permission to take the time you need to get better, or to get things in order so that you can resume spinning that plate labelled “work”.

Make that call

Once you’ve made the decision to take time off (or it’s been made for you!), tell your employers as soon as possible, as prolonging it often adds to the feelings of stress and anxiety. And then … use your time well.  You are taking time off work, so no emails, phone calls, or paperwork should be taking place. Equally, try not to get caught up in the domestic “to-do” list of laundry, housework, admin. Rest, sleep, hibernate under the duvet if that’s what you need.  Go for a walk, read, sketch, watch TV, play a game, bake, garden.  If you’re not contagious, see a friend. If you’re taking a long period of time off, it can be helpful to have a gentle routine, but ultimately do what you need to, to feel whole again, to feel healthy, happy, you. This is your time, so use it to re-charge.

Whether we take a single day off work, or a few weeks or months, the stress and impact on our mental health can be significant, if we don’t allow ourselves permission.

Beating yourself up and submerging yourself in a pool of guilt doesn’t do you any favours (and often prolongs your recovery time or absence from work). 

Remember that you cannot do your best at work if you are not feeling your best or not able to work. Return to work when you are ready, not because you feel guilty!

The quick-read!

Reasons to take time off when you are ill:

• You are worthy of being healthy, and deserve to take time off to get better.

  That should be enough but, if you need more …

• Continuing to work can potentially be dangerous for you and/or others;

• Pushing yourself can make you more unwell, leading to a longer period of absence.

• You are likely to be less productive;

• Contain your illness, if contagious, rather than spread it to others.

What to do when you are off sick:

• Take care of yourself, mentally and physically;

• Rest and recharge;

• Leave work at work!

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Mental Health

One last thing: many people who are struggling with their mental health find it hard to take time off, because it’s not as easy to explain as a cold, flu or stomach bug, and people may feel there is a stigma around this. If you need to take some time off work, due to mental health problems, but you’re worried about how your employers might respond, Mind have some useful information about telling your employer and knowing your rights.

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If you are struggling with your mental health, please do speak out: you could talk to your GP, a friend, family member or colleague, or book an appointment with a counsellor.

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Aislinn Marek is a qualified person-centred counsellor, registered with the BACP. She has worked within the NHS, education and private practice for many years, and is passionate about supporting people with their mental health.

She is happy to be back at work!

Children's Mental Health Week 2021

The theme for this year’s Children’s Mental Health Week is “Express Yourself”.  Self-expression is hugely important for our mental health and emotional wellbeing.  It allows us to communicate our thoughts and feelings, share our identity, our story, our individuality.  Too often, we are influenced by others as to how we should behave, think, look, be, and feel ourselves falling into the comparison trap, or feel we are restricted, have to hide or suppress our true selves, so encouraging our children to be themselves is essential for their well-being.  Empowering them to be their true, authentic selves is one of the best gifts we can give them.   

Around three children in every primary school class has a mental health problem, and many more struggle with challenges from bullying to bereavement.

We know that children are struggling with their mental health, and statistics like this are far too high. Supporting children’s mental health isn’t only about reacting to those who are already struggling: we need to be proactive in building good mental health for all our children. We can do this through teaching our children about mental health, helping them to recognise stress and anxiety and how to regulate those feelings. We can give children a sense of belonging and validation, giving them positive attention and affirmation, boosting their self-esteem and self-confidence. Role modelling emotional regulation and positive coping strategies also helps teach our children how to have positive mental health.

But back to this week’s focus! In terms of supporting your child with expressing themselves, firstly, it’s helpful to remember that our children are expressing themselves all the time, but not necessarily in words, or the words we want to hear!  Try and hold in mind that behaviour is always trying telling us something: try and listen to the message behind the behaviour, and the needs your child is trying to communicate to you.  Let them know you have heard them, and try and give them the words they need, through modelling use of emotional language, or help them to explore expression through creativity.

“This year’s Children’s Mental Health Week is all about expressing yourself – about finding creative ways in which to share your thoughts, ideas and feelings. So whether that’s through photography, through art, through drama, through music or poetry – it’s finding those things that makes you feel good about yourself.”

— The Duchess Of Cambridge

If you are thinking about how to engage your child in an activity which helps them express themselves, reflect on what has already engaged them.  What are they already interested in or passionate about?  Take some time to talk about these with your child – praise their efforts, notice their creativity and let them know you have noticed.  Perhaps they have been spending a lot of time creating with Lego, or building a world on Minecraft, baking, making jewellery, designing outfits, taking photos, writing stories, role-playing with their toys, or finding creative games to play with their football.  Whatever it is, take the time to notice and encourage them. It can be tricky, if their passion is something you know nothing about, or have no interest in yourself, but taking the time to educate yourself, or ask your child to share their interest with you is definitely worth it, in terms of building your bond and encouraging their self-expression.

If your child is feeling a bit stuck, consider trying something new together – there are so many video tutorials and programmes that you could watch and be inspired by.  Or if you are feeling stuck yourself, why not ask a grandparent, friend or family member to help you out and lead a video session?  It’s a great way of connecting with each other when we can’t physically get together. And perhaps check out what is on offer in the community: choirs, orchestras, drama groups, art classes (activities may well remain online for now, but can still be a great way to develop your child’s imagination, social skills and self-expression).

Perhaps most importantly, please do remember that none of this is designed to put pressure on you or your child (there is far too much of that around!) You don’t have to be the best at something: this is about helping your child find their voice, share their thoughts and feelings, so they don’t get bottled up and become overwhelming. And it might help you, too! So, sing your heart out, even if you’re off key and forget the words! Write a poem, knit a scarf, give your Dad a makeover, paint a picture, roll a Dungeons & Dragons’ character, create a tik-tok, bake a show-stopper - however you choose to do it, express yourself! (Cue me singing along to Madonna!)

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As always, if you are concerned about your child’s emotional well-being, please do seek support from their health visitor, school nurse or GP.

Aislinn Marek is a qualified person-centred counsellor, registered with the BACP. She has worked within the NHS, education and private practice for many years, and is passionate about supporting people of all ages with their mental health.

Keeping Calm On A Photoshoot

Every year, one of my intentions is to make sure I get more photos of my family and friends, and to make sure I am in them, too. It never lasts though, in part because I always feel self-conscious in front of the camera. And I know I’m not the only one. I asked Jo Bishop, a local professional photographer, if she had any tips for helping people feel calmer in front of the camera, and also how she keeps her cool as the one behind it!

Jo, you've done shoots with me and know that I can feel awkward in front of the camera, but you help me look natural and calm. What advice would you give to someone having a professional shoot done, to help them feel more at ease and get the best shots?

“I always offer pre-shoot consultations with my clients so they get to know me a little. I totally appreciate how daunting being in front of a camera can be, coupled with the fact I am a total stranger: it’s a big ask, of even the most extrovert, to come across natural and relaxed.

“Communication is key.”

Chat with your photographer: tell them your concerns, nerves and about the parts of you that you would like them to focus less on. We all have them! I like to chat as we’re shooting too, not about the shoot but just normal day to day conversation. I find it relaxes the client but I’m also a big people person.

I like to give pointers on what colours to wear, so that when they view their images it shows them off perfectly.

The odd sneak peek on the back of the camera can help too, so they know it’s going in the right direction and if by chance it isn’t, it can be rectified there and then.

You've produced some incredible new-born and family shoots. How do you keep your calm if a baby is crying or the shoot doesn't seem to go to plan? 

I go into every new born or baby shoot with the same expectation – that the baby will sob throughout and refuse every single pose! Anything up from that is a bonus! It’s my job to make beautiful images happen regardless. I always explain to new parents that it’s completely normal if they are a bit upset.

A new born session is in the first 4 weeks after birth and they are brought into a lovely cosy warm studio, but – it’s bright and they are moved around a little from prop to prop. As much as we want those beautiful images to look back on and remember, the baby just wants mummy/daddy cuddles! They don’t care about our agenda! If baby is unsettled I pass them back to parents. I have my white noise in the background set to soothe them, the temperature is perfect for baby and, if the parents like it, I have a little spa music playing. I only take one new born shoot per day, so there is no rush. We have as many breaks as needed, feed, fresh air and if baby really dislikes props and poses, I incorporate Mum and Dad in the shots holding baby instead.

Most parents are anxious about getting it "right" and feel apologetic if their baby lacks cooperation – all I will say is, that they are in the majority, most babies are the same and I’m totally used to it. I love my job, crying baby or not.!

I imagine doing wedding shoots must come with a lot of pressure. How do you keep yourself (and the couple) calm?

Alcohol! Just kidding, but a cheeky prosecco can assist if that’s your thing! It really does come down to communication. I start with a consultation: even before they put a deposit down, they can take up an engagement shoot so they get to know my style and I get to know how they are in front of the camera together. It’s a great way to break the ice before the big day and gets them excited for their wedding images when they see the quality of the engagement session!

I am totally led by the couple. If  they don’t want to be posed, I will stick to candid shots. I always make them aware that even if posing is on the agenda, it is very relaxed and not in the slightest bit cheesy! No popping from behind trees with me!

And finally, you talk on your Facebook page about the importance of taking photos and being in photos. Why do you think that is important for our wellbeing?

On a personal level, I hate being in front of the camera, so I know how many feel about it. But I know the importance of pushing through that.

Photographs evoke memories. They can transport you to a different place and time and you can remember smells or feelings from that precise moment. They are everything and, not wanting to be morbid, but photographs (and memories) are all that will be left of us.

“We are all an integral part of our own family:
take the pictures, be in the pictures and print them!”

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Jo Bishop is a Northwest based photographer, who lives in Bolton with her young daughter, husband and 2 dogs.

Jo covers all the major milestones in life: from pregnancy, birth, new-born stage, engagement, wedding, family, pets, birthdays and more! Bespoke packages in business branding are available. Jo works from her purpose built summerhouse studio, although always offers the option for a shoot in the comfort of your own home, giving a more personal and lifestyle feel to your images.

You can see examples of Jo’s work on her website, Facebook page and Instagram feed.

Can Exercise Really Support Your Mental Health?

It’s a well-known unarguable fact that exercise is important to your physical health. Not only can exercise help you to stay fit, strong, and healthy but it can also help to prevent physical injury and illness. A strong supportive core will reduce the likelihood of back pain and common back injuries, a strong cardiovascular system will be able to fight off and recover from the common cold much quicker than a weaker system, a body that is used to moving, running, walking, lifting weights and other activities will have stronger denser bones and a lower risk of osteoporosis as we move into old age. This we know and understand because it has been well documented over the years.

But what about your mental health, can it really benefit in a similar way from exercise?

The very simple answer is yes! Yes, regular exercise will support your mental health and it will do so in lots of different ways. The charity Rethink Mental Illness was founded almost 50 years ago in order to support those with mental illness and also those caring for people with mental illness. They champion the use of regular exercise to help with a number of different conditions.

 It is widely recognised that exercise can:

• Reduce stress levels

• Improve your quality of sleep

• Improve your overall mood

• Reduce bouts of or the severity of anxiety

• Reduce the risk of depression

• Help build self-esteem and self-confidence

All of this can lead to an overall healthier mind-body relationship. Several things happen when we take part in purposeful exercise, we encourage the release of endorphins within the body which are known as the body’s own natural alternative to ‘happy pills’ and we become more susceptible to the effects of serotonin which is proven to reduce feelings of depression.

What is purposeful exercise and how much should we get?

My definition of purposeful exercise is when you set out to participate in an activity that will elevate both your heart rate and your breathing rate. So essentially something that challenges your cardiovascular system. It is purposeful because it is more than just your normal level of activity. Now this can be any kind of exercise, it could be walking, yoga, running, lifting weights, swimming, dancing, rock climbing, martial arts, or even horse riding, the list of possibilities is endless. It is anything that is not just a part of your normal day to day activities and which makes you exert your body in some way. With so much choice that means that every single one of us can find something that we are capable of doing and that we can enjoy.

For me it’s important to enjoy the exercise that you choose to do, exercise should not feel like a punishment and the more that you enjoy it the more likely you are to stick with it in the long term and see both the physical and mental benefits. It might take a little time and be a bit like trial and error to begin with but there is something out there for all of us. Try not to let fear or your preconceived ideas hold you back from giving something new a go.

You will also be pleased to hear that you don’t need to spend hours at a time exercising to start to see the benefits. In 2018 an article published by Psychology Today suggested that 45 minutes of exercise three times a week is enough to help even those with chronic depression.

As a form of maintenance and to prevent a downward spiral in mental health I would suggest that a minimum of 25 minutes of physical exertion three times a week over a prolonged time period, i.e. set this as your new routine and maintain it in the long term, is enough. Research shows that it takes around four weeks of regular exercise to really begin to see the positive changes in your mental health but from that very first session you will start to see a pattern of positive reinforcement. A sense of achievement after each session can leave you feeling positive for the rest of the day and more able to take on the challenges that may be thrown your way.

How do I get started?

What to do and how to do it can be very daunting, with so much choice it is easy to feel overwhelmed and just decide not to bother at all. Here are my top tips:

Try out a few different activities – keep them low cost if you can.

• Trying out more than one sport or activity will help you to find something you enjoy. Remember enjoyment means that we are more likely to commit and keep on doing it.

Make a plan

• Look at your schedule for the week ahead and identify where you have gaps that you can fit exercise in to. Remember you only need some 30-minute time slots, then plan it into your diary so that you don’t forget or double book yourself!

Be realistic about what you can manage

• Don’t go all out and then burn out. 30 minutes 3 times a week sustained over a 12-week period is much better for you than a handful of one-hour sessions that you can’t sustain.

Summary

So, whilst we might at times need medical intervention and medication to help ‘balance’ us out we can also combine this with exercise to create a double pronged attack against what so many call ‘The Black Dog’. Our mental health is complex and can suffer in many different ways and for many different reasons but there are steps that we can take to support ourselves. The next level to think about after exercise is how our nutrition can also help or hinder our mental health. For more information or to see how you can work with me to support your mental health and self-love just head over to my site here.

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Author, speaker, and cheerleader for women all across the globe, Laura is a mum of one and knows first hand how easy it is to put yourself last. Laura’s mission is to help thousands of women to realise that they are beautiful just as they are, that exercise goes far beyond the physical and that self-love does not mean feeling like you are perfect. Laura now has multiple books available on Amazon ranging from her own story to finding self-love, to fiction, to a fitness and nutrition journal she has created to help women on their journey.

Find out more about Laura and her services at www.laurab-empoweredwords.com

Mindfulness And Sustainability

I’ve been thinking about sustainability and being more eco-friendly, at home and at work. And I was interested to know how making a conscious choice to be more environmentally aware might impact on mental health. So I asked Maya Vertigans, founder of Sustainer Container, what she thought.

What made you personally decide to start practicing sustainability? 

“For a long time, my young sister has been a massive eco warrior and she even founded an eco committee at our high school but I didn’t develop a passion for sustainability until I left home and started university. Being at university opened my eyes to the world, I left my small village life and moved to the big city. I began learning a lot more about the environment through watching programs such as Blue Planet and The Problem with Plastic. During my time at university, I also worked at a large hospitality venue where I experienced the greenwashing of huge companies who use paper straws to appease customers yet are so wasteful behind the scenes. 

If we don’t make a change now, in the 2030s we could see:

“The Amazon rainforest cut down until it can no longer produce enough moisture, degrades into a dry savannah bringing catastrophic species loss and altering the global water cycle. At the same time, the arctic becomes ice free in the summer. Without the white ice cap, less of the sun’s energy is reflected out to space and the speed of global warming increases.”

— David Attenborough

A combination of these factors led to me beginning to consider the impact that my lifestyle was having on the environment and how I could be more sustainable. As a student, I found sustainable alternatives were often more expensive than the unsustainable products and thus making the eco friendly swaps I desired was often difficult and unaffordable. This difficulty prompted me to found my business, Sustainer Container, selling affordable boxes of eco friendly alternatives to everyday products, including these Everything Eco Boxes. My growing passion for the environment meant I decided I wanted to start a business with a purpose, with the hope that this would bring me a sense of fulfilment that having a business simply for profit may not bring.” 

Do you feel that sustainability has benefited your own mental health?

“At times, the scale of climate change can feel completely overwhelming. For example, I recently watched David Attenborough’s A Life On Our Planet and was in tears at the damage that is being done to our beautiful planet. Whilst the damage being done to the planet is completely heartbreaking, it does not have to continue this way and there is still time to make a change. For me, I feel that my journey towards being more sustainable has benefited my mental health because it has given me a wider sense of purpose. It is important to remember that being sustainable isn’t about achieving perfection and living a completely sustainable lifestyle, it is about doing the best that you can to be as environmentally friendly as possible.

Being more sustainable, I feel I am doing something good for myself and also for the world and this can be incredibly rewarding. For example, opening my fridge and seeing an array of colourful vegetables that were bought plastic free and watching the rubbish I am producing getting less and less, for me is incredibly rewarding. Recently, a friend also told me that they had adopted a more environmentally friendly habit after something I said to them, which gave me a sense of pride that my passion had influenced the behaviours of somebody else for the better.”

Would you agree that by reusing and recycling, our focus on material things bringing happiness has lessened? 

“Absolutely! I think that a focus on sustainability and an awareness of the waste you are producing brings a focus on reusing as much as possible and on more mindful consumption. To be as sustainable as possible, I try to only buy new things that I really need and where possible I will shop second hand or buy a high quality, long-lasting item. But, before buying anything new I will reuse what I already own. A focus on mindful consumption means I no longer feel that I am constantly wanting the next material thing, I have most of the things I need already! I tend to look forward to experiences and activities with friends and family, rather than buying material things.”

Can “going green” help us to be more mindful? 

 “Mindfulness is the basic human ability to be fully present, aware of where we are and what we’re doing, and not overly reactive or overwhelmed by what’s going on around us.”

“For me, a big part of “going green” involves placing less importance on physical things and instead valuing experiences and the small things in life. Rather than constantly wanting the next thing, “going green” and learning about the environmental impact of constantly consuming and purchasing new items, can also lead you to focus on being present and enjoying the moment, rather than gaining enjoyment through physical things. 

If, by “going green” you can place less emphasis on gaining enjoyment from physical things and instead be present and enjoy the small things in life, although I am definitely not a mindfulness expert, “going green” has helped me to be more mindful. I now find I get much more enjoyment from the small things in my day like going for a walk in nature, and not constantly wanting the next physical thing helps me to be grateful and appreciate the small things in life.

“Going green” can be challenging, because sustainable alternatives are often more expensive than the unsustainable and single use items. In some cases, the easiest way to get around this is to do things from scratch for yourself. For example, instead of buying pre-made hummus (that is packaged in plastic), I now make my hummus myself. Additionally, there can be creative ways “go green” and recycle, including making these hot air balloon decorations using recycled greetings cards. By “going green” and focusing on sustainability, this encouraged me to do more things from scratch myself, which again helped me to focus on being present in the moment and being more mindful.” 

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Maya Vertigans is a 21 year old entrepreneur who started Sustainer Container, an eco friendly products business in April 2020, alongside completing her Sociology degree. Maya collates eco friendly products into boxes which are available for less than it would cost you to buy the products individually, with the aim of making sustainability more affordable and accessible.

For more great ideas about how you can start your own sustainability journey, check out Maya’s Facebook page, Instagram or website.

Yoga, Mindfulness And Your Mental Health

I think lockdown has given everyone an opportunity to pause and better appreciate the importance of taking care of their own health, in particular their mental health, as well as the mental wellbeing of those around them. And, as a teacher, I have definitely witnessed an increased appetite for the more restorative and mindfulness practices of Yoga, both of which offer simple but effective ways to manage anxiety and reduce stress during the uncertainty of Covid-19 and beyond.

So what exactly is restorative Yoga?

Restorative Yoga might also be called Yoga for deep relaxation! It offers your body and mind an opportunity to rest very deeply and enables your nervous system to re-set helping it to rebalance and recalibrate. It differs from other Yoga practices you might be familiar with as it involves holding poses for several minutes to give the body supported rest and the mind an opportunity to settle in stillness.

As the image above shows, in restorative Yoga we use lots of lovely props - bolsters, blocks, straps, blankets and pillows - and create a relaxed mood with subdued lighting, gentle music and aromatherapy oils. The props are there to release your muscles and bones of their usual roles of support and the less stimulating environment means that your nervous system is quieter and so can enjoy rest too. In fact, you can often actually feel the layers of physical and mental tension melt away as you work with the different poses.

If you would like to find out more about restorative Yoga and/or would like to attend the evening Restorative class I teach weekly via Zoom, please contact me at brendayoga@mail.com for more details. You will walk in and float out!

What exactly is mindfulness?

Another aspect of Yoga that can help to support our mental health is mindfulness. So what exactly is mindfulness and how does it work? In essence, mindfulness means to be present, to be in the here and the now, with the mind resting in its natural state of peace and tranquillity. Mindfulness fosters an awareness that, whatever else may be going on in our life, there is a place within us of stillness and calm. Our contemporary life is so busy and we have so many demands upon our time and energy, that we may well have forgotten this.

A lot of my mindfulness teaching references the Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction Program (MBSR) of Jon Kabat-Zin, one of the most studied and successful forms of meditation in the West. It is supported by a strong body of science to the extent that mindfulness is being used to treat a wide range of stress-related symptoms including chronic anxiety, depression, addiction, insomnia and OCD.

How does mindfulness work?

One of the principal ways mindfulness supports good mental health is by calming our nervous system. In particular, it enables us, via the breath, to take conscious control of our autonomic nervous system allowing us to quieten the sympathetic side (which governs the fight or flight response) and activate the parasympathetic side (which governs the activities associated with rest and digest).

As a result of this, we have a very effective personal tool we can use to restore our mind to a more calm and peaceful state and control negative thought patterns. There is evidence that a regular practice can also help to reduce the production of cortisol, the primary stress hormone, helping us to manage anxiety and even panic attacks.

Try this

Find a quiet place where you will be undisturbed. Sit or lie down and begin to notice your breath. Feel the breath flowing into and out of your nostrils. Next become aware of your abdomen and notice how this area feels - when we are anxious or stressed, this part of the body tends to become tight and restricted. If so, invite softness into your abdomen and then allow it to gently expand as you 4 breathe in and release back towards your spine as you breathe out. When your mind wanders, gently bring it back to your breath.

Finally, take your right hand and place it over your navel and then your left hand over the centre of your chest. Notice the more pronounced movement of your abdomen under your right hand and the much more subtle movement of the chest under your left hand. Stay with this for a couple of minutes before gently releasing.

This simple practice is called the Anchoring Breath and it can be a very effective tool in helping us to manage anxiety and panic attacks.

How do I learn more about mindfulness?

To begin with, it is often easier to learn mindfulness in a group. I am a passionate advocate and so, at the beginning of each of my Yoga classes, I spend a little time teaching its simple techniques to help my students develop this skill. If you would like to find out more about these techniques and/or would like to attend one of my daily classes (via Zoom), please contact me at brendayoga@mail.com for more details.

Gratitude

Another important element of mindfulness is gratitude and, again, this is a practice I am keen to encourage my students to develop so, in my Yoga classes, I will often use it as a theme.

A gratitude practice with a focus on the heart centre can be particularly powerful. It simply involves saying a silent thank you for all the people, places and experiences that bring joy to, and enrich, your life as opposed to focusing on those things that deplete your energy and cause you to suffer.

Expressing gratitude can be deeply empowering and healing. If we commit to doing it regularly, it can shift our perspective to the extent that we begin to see our life in a completely different way. In fact, studies have shown that practising gratitude on a regular basis can have a long-term, very positive effect on our mental and emotional well-being and help to allay depression and anxiety.

To get you started, I’ve posted a simple, beautiful gratitude practice on my website, which I’d encourage you to do regularly.

One final important note

Finally, I would add that mental health issues are often complex and varied and manifest in a multitude of symptoms. Yoga and mindfulness can offer a range of powerful tools to help and support you in your journey back to health but if your symptoms are severe, please seek professional medical help to support you through this time.

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Brenda qualified with the British Wheel of Yoga in 2004 and since then has been teaching Yoga to people of all ages and abilities. She believes passionately that the Yoga mat is a place where we can gently switch off from the outside world and recharge both physically and mentally. In addition to her daily mixed-ability Zoom classes, she also teaches children’s Yoga and mindfulness classes, runs retreats on the stunning Amalfi coast and hosts regular Yoga and wellness workshops at historic Lytham Hall. She also runs the BWY Foundation Course (both in-person and distance learning) for those who want to deepen their knowledge and/or are thinking about teaching themselves. For more details of these or any of her other Yoga courses, please contact Brenda at brendayoga@mail.com or visit her website.

How Can You Make "Back To School" Less Stressful?

Returning to school can be a difficult time for children and their parents.  It’s a transition that some find stressful, which is completely understandable: it can mean changes to routine, less time with parents or siblings, less freedom and more structure, more expectations and a degree of uncertainty. 

But there are things you can do to help your child feel more secure in managing this transition, and to help you both feel more calm and in control.

1. Normalise it

I am a big advocate of the idea of “name it to tame it”.  If you help your child to recognise that what they are experiencing is anxiety, and talk about it, it will help them to feel more in control.  Give them the emotional vocabulary to voice their feelings: “I can see you are unsettled. I wonder if that is because you are feeling a bit nervous/worried/anxious?” Let them know that anxiety or worry is okay, not something to be scared of: give them permission to feel it.  It is our brain and body’s way of letting us know that something is happening we are a bit unsure about.  Talk with them about their worries: what is it about returning to school that gives them that wobbly feeling?

2. Control

Look at those worries and think about which ones you can control, and which ones you can’t (this is useful exercise to do for yourself as well.  If it feels appropriate, make it a joint activity).  If they are worried about being on time in the morning, help them think about what they can do to manage this: have your bag packed the night before, make sure your alarm is set, etc.  With worries you can control, make an action list.  Again, this can help them (and you), feel empowered to make the changes or take the actions you need to. 

The worries you can’t control are a little more tricky, but help them think about how they can let those go and focus on the things they are in control of.  For example, a common worry is about friendships:

“Will X still be my friend?”

“What if no one wants to play with me?”

Help your child to remember that we cannot control other people’s actions, words, feelings, but we can choose how we behave and the words we choose to speak.

Are the worries things we can do something about?  If so, take action!  If not, if they are “what ifs”, then use distraction! Try and focus on something else, rather than expending energy on things you cannot control.

3. Plan and prepare

This one is mainly for you, but you can involve your children.  Feeling in control of the practical stuff really helps.  So if you often feel that mornings are a rush, or you recognise that trying to find those forms, reading books or PE kit is a trigger for you, think about how you can organise yourself.  There are lots of ideas out there for organisation stations, keeping track of essential things, and helping you feel more “with it!” The important thing is to find a system that works for you and your family.

4. Physical Health

Getting the right amount of good quality sleep, having a nutritious breakfast, and building your immune system are all crucial to helping you regulate your emotions.  If you are tired, hungry and run down, chances are you will feel more vulnerable to stress. This goes for you and your children!

5. Balanced View

Whilst its easy to get drawn into the worries, doom and gloom, try and encourage your child to keep a balanced view. It’s important to acknowledge their worries and not be dismissive with a, “don’t be silly” or “don’t worry about it”. Their thoughts and feelings are important and should be validated. However, at the same time, try and get them to have perspective and recognise the things they are looking forward to, the things they will enjoy. What are they studying this term that they will be interested in? This isn’t putting a “positive spin” on things or discounting the worries, but being clear and balanced and acknowledging the good.

6. Regulation

Spend some time with your child practicing ways of regulating your emotions: deep breathing exercises, affirmations, stretches and using grounding strategies are all beneficial techniques to practice.  Remember that the more you practice, the more effective these strategies will be.  Practice on a regular basis, when you are feeling calm, and you’ll find that when you need to use them in times of anxiety, it will be much easier to reach for them.

7. Transitional Objects

Transitional objects can be used to help children feel more secure in times of change. Whilst younger children may have comforters such as a security blanket or teddy, older children can use objects such as a comfort stone in their pocket. Holding or rubbing the stone may help them feel grounded, give sensory input and a psychological reminder of their primary caregiver if it has a message, for example. The idea is to create a link between home and school/nursery, so they feel safe and secure.

8. After School

When they get home, try not to bombard your children with questions about how their day went. Create a calm setting for them - feed them (they won't have had the eleventy billion snacks they've been used to over the summer, and they will have expended a lot of energy), give them some space but let them know you are there when they are ready to talk.

Perhaps ask what was the favourite thing about the day or what they played with their friends. Asking questions like, "what did you do today?" are likely to be met with the response, "I don't know" or "I forgot"!

And if they have a meltdown because they have been trying to hold it together all day, don't feel you have to "fix it". Just be there, hold them if they need it/will let you. Sit with them and let them know you have got them.

9. Reward

Plan something fun for when they get home.  A hot chocolate or their favourite thing for dinner.  Maybe an extra story that night, a family board game or walk, or a little longer on their favourite video game (assuming homework has been done, of course!)  Recognising that they have done something as brave as go to school and engage, when they were anxious, is really important for building their self-esteem.  They have acknowledged their anxiety, faced it and been determined, so that should be rewarded!  And don’t forget yourself!

10. Communicate with school

If your child is particularly anxious about school, try and talk to their school about it.  Many children will hide their anxiety at school: they can be distressed and emotionally aroused at home but once they walk through the magical school gates, the mask comes on and they present as well-behaved, confident pupils.  But keeping up the pretence is exhausting, and that’s when we often see the meltdown at home.  Talk to school and see if they can have a quick check-in with your child on arrival.  Using those calming strategies throughout the day helps them to regulate.  Being proactive about supporting a child’s emotional difficulties is much more effective and much more beneficial to the child, than reacting to when they have become overwhelmed.

FURTHER READING

The following are books that I often recommend to parents and carers, for support with separation anxiety. I am not affiliated with them, I’ve just found them to be beneficial.

• The Invisible String by Patrice Karst

• The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn

I also stock a variety of books and CDs from Relax Kids. I particularly recommend the A Monster Handbook, which helps children feel more in control of their difficult emotions, such as anxiety.

Relax Kids have a free pack to download, for parents and teachers, with ideas for helping make your back to school experience a calm one.

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If you are concerned about your child’s emotional well-being, please do seek support from their health visitor, school nurse or GP. Each child is an individual and should be treated as such.

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Aislinn Marek is a qualified person-centred counsellor, registered with the BACP. She has worked within the NHS, education and private practice for many years, and is passionate about supporting people of all ages with their mental health.

Mindfulness And Children

Mindfulness for children is a big area of interest at the moment and I love helping people cultivate their own mindfulness practices, whether it be through a nursery programme, school classes, or in individual, personal work. It can be a tricky concept to understand and implement for adults, let alone children, so how can it be done?

Nicola, at Iris Dares, has some inspirational ideas.

“Mindfulness is something I was introduced to as an addiction therapist pre-kids and pre-career change. I have to admit – I was initially sceptical. As a person with a VERY busy mind, who never relaxes and always has to be busy, taking time out to just ‘be’, to reflect and think ‘in the moment’ – was quite alien to me. I couldn’t do that surely! I’m an action person, so taking time out, time I could be ‘doing’ something – madness! But it’s actually the best practice I have come to do weekly for myself, but I enjoy daily with my kids. If I’m a convert – you will be too!

So what IS mindfulness? Mindfulness means having quiet time, time with our thoughts moment-by-moment, being aware of our bodies, our environment, it’s about being in the present, relaxing, and letting go of other thoughts.

Now, how the hell are you meant to teach this to kids? To little crazy, living on the edge, constantly moving little creatures!? Well firstly, kids already are one step ahead as they already live in the moment. There is little future thinking or planning, and little harking over the past, so they are prime and ready for some chill out time and mindfulness.

It’s also super fun and easier than you think to teach kids mindfulness. You can be creative, and as long as you are engaging – kids will love it, and it encourages closeness and openness – which they will also adore.

• Find a quiet spot, a comfy pillow or beanbag. And turn off all your screens!

• Start by asking the children to notice their breath. How it feels… how they feel physically, is it fast or slow, hot or cold? How do they feel? Happy? Sad? Angry? 

• Have the children place their hands on their chests and feel their chest rise up and down,  and put their hands over their mouths and feel the breath leave their body. Ask them how they feel.

• Ask them to try breathing slllooowwwwly, and then quickly. What are the differences in how it makes them feel?

• As you can see, it’s all about getting children in touch with how they feel both physically and mentally.

Kids also love visual cues, so something like Worry Wands gives kids something tactile to touch, focus on, and can help reduce a child’s anxiety. It can be a good gateway to open conversations, alleviate stress and find a focus to let go of things that have been worrying. They have affirmation ribbons that can be added or taken way, depending on what you are focusing on and talking about. They can also be used as a mindfulness breathing wand, too. Kids can blow on the ribbons, see how they move, how they have control over their own environment.

It’s a great way to bond with your child, to take time out of our busy lifestyles, busy days, away from screens and noise and just be you and your child, learning about each other. I love it now, and it’s also a brilliant way to wind down kids before bed!

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Nicola is a busy single mum of 2 girls, 2 guinea pigs and 4 fish. She lives in Newcastle, is a staunch advocate of girls and women’s rights and wants to get the message out that GIRLS CAN, and should be able to wear and be who they want to be. She owns www.irisdaresdesigns.co.uk selling feminine and fabulous girls dresses, capes, bags and wands to parents who want their girls to be confident, happy and fabulous.

Ten Ways To Calm An Anxious Child

“How do I calm my anxious child?”, is a question so many parents want answering. To see your child in distress, unable to speak, withdrawing from friendships, activities, or refusing to go to school, can be heartbreaking, and often parents feel helpless. And because anxiety is often masked by anger, it can be hard to identify or empathise with. When your child is shouting or hitting out, because they are overwhelmed by feelings of anxiety that they cannot control, it can be tricky to see the anxiety beneath, and to stay calm yourself.

Here are my top ten suggestions for helping your anxious child feel calmer (you might find they help you, too!)

1. Recognise

   The first key is recognising that what your child is experiencing is anxiety. Often anxiety wears a disguise and it can be hard to see the emotion through the behaviour. Some signs to look for are: changes in appetite, disturbed sleep or difficulty settling to sleep, complaining of tummy aches or being unwell, frequently needing the toilet, being tense or fidgety, struggling to focus or concentrate, becoming irritable or angry, crying frequently or seeming clingy. Help your child to recognise that what they are experiencing is anxiety: simply by naming it, they often feel more in control.

2. Rescue

   Imagine your child is swimming in the sea and starts drowning: you wouldn’t stand on the beach and shout instructions, you’d be in there, grabbing hold and pulling them out. In the same way, when your child is in the midst of an anxiety attack or appears overwhelmed, step in and help them. The time for teaching them techniques is when they are calm and settled and able to take on board what you are teaching them.

3. Just Be

   You are stressed, overwhelmed, incapacitated by anxiety and someone is asking you questions, asking you to use logic and thought, to put your jumbled up thoughts and feelings into a coherent sentence. Sounds tricky? That’s how your child is feeling. Allow them to just be: reassure them that the panicky feeling will pass, and that you are there with them. Try not to make too many expectations of them whilst they are in the midst of an anxiety attack. We want to “fix it”, but sometimes we need to take a step back and let the anxiety wave run its course.

4. Breathe

   Helping your child to regulate their breathing can help them to reset their nervous system and feel calmer. You can try and encourage your child to engage in breathing exercises, but if they are too overwhelmed to listen and actively participate, sit with them and regulate your breathing, and their breathing will gradually sync with yours. Sit with your child’s back to your chest and allow your breathing to set the pace for theirs. Try using bubbles to help your child control their breathing.

5. Touch

   Using touch can be highly effective in reducing anxiety and calming the nervous system. We often use touch instinctively to help calm our children: rubbing their back, squeezing their hand in reassurance, stroking their head, etc. You can find out more about the importance of touch in a previous blog post.

6. Lengthen

   When we are anxious, we may tend to curl up, almost as if we are trying to make ourselves invisible. By lengthening ourselves, rolling the shoulders back, opening up the chest, stretching out the fingers, etc, we are releasing the tension in the body, allowing our bodies and brains to feel calmer, more relaxed.

7. Listen

   When your child is talking to you about the things that worry them, listen. Whilst their worries may seem small, silly, illogical or insignificant to you, they are very real to your child. You don’t have to “fix” their problems, or find an answer to their worries: often, just reassuring them that you are there and listening to them will be enough to help them feel secure, heard and empowered to either take action or let the worry go. If you want to explore more about helping your child build their resilience and stand on their own two feet, have a read of this blog.

8. Normalise

   Let your child know that it is normal and okay to worry about things. Having a sense of caution is vital to our survival: if we weren’t concerned about being run over, we would walk blindly into the road without checking for cars, for example. We take out insurance, use passwords and PINs, caution our children against talking to strangers, etc. And when we worry about something, it indicates a sense of importance: if I am worrying about an upcoming test, it is because I want to do well, the results are important to me. Worrying is normal and natural: the issue is when the worries become too big for us to manage, begin to impact on our daily lives, or cause us to feel unwell.

9. Long term plan

   When your child is feeling calm and settled, help them to think about how they manage feelings of anxiety. If they regularly practise breathing techniques, use grounding techniques, use calming self-talk, these strategies can start to take effect and become a more instinctive way of responding to anxiety. It’s important, too, to think about the causes of anxiety and to help your child make an action plan: are these things that are within their control, or negative thoughts, “what ifs”, that they need support in letting go of?

10. Practise

    As with anything we want our children to be proficient at, it is important to practice the strategies on a regular basis. Try and build affirmations, stretches, breathing techniques into your daily routine. Find ways of offering your child space to talk on a regular basis, not just when a difficulty pops up.

11. Reward

    I know I said ten, but here’s your bonus tip! Reward your child when they have managed their anxiety well. Help them to recognise when they have handled an anxiety-provoking situation in a calm and confident manner, and give them praise for this. This can help them to feel more confident in their ability to manage those tricky emotions, but also they will know you have noticed them and the positive attention can work wonders.

Further reading

The following are books that I often recommend to parents and carers. I am not affiliated with any of them, I’ve just found them to be beneficial.

• Little Meerkat's Big Panic: A Story About Learning New Ways to Feel Calm by Jane Evans

• What To Do When You Worry Too Much: A Kid's Guide To Overcoming Anxiety by Dawn Huebner

• The Huge Bag Of Worries by Virginia Ironside

• Worries Go Away! by Kes Gray

I also stock a variety of books and CDs from Relax Kids. I particularly recommend the A Monster Handbook, which helps children feel more in control of their difficult emotions, such as anxiety.

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Aislinn Marek is a qualified person-centred counsellor, registered with the BACP. She has worked within the NHS, education and private practice for many years, and is passionate about supporting people with their mental health.

If you are concerned about your child’s emotional well-being, please do seek support from their health visitor, school nurse or GP. Each child is an individual and should be treated as such.

Image credit: Jo Bishop Photography

Breaking the stigma with mental health among entrepreneurs

A guest blog by Pamela Rae-Welsh, online visibility specialist and entrepreneur.

I read some worrying statistics in a blog post the other day - on shopify of all places; about the rising trend of mental health issues, clinical depression and the rise of suicide within the entrepreneurial community. I’m not going to lie it had a profound effect on me, and I’m sure looking at those facts it would take even the hardest of nuts not to feel concern for the trajectory.

Entrepreneurs are proven to experience more stress, more worry and feel more isolated than any other working population according to the Gallup wellness survey. It’s easy to identify why. As entrepreneurs we wear all of the hats - and are often seen as one man band crusaders on a mission to disrupt whatever industry we are in. Being branded as “crusaders” “pioneers” and “disrupters” in itself comes with a pressure that failure is not an option, that we “soldier on” solitary and blinkered to the real world. We are often referenced to as superhuman. However, the reality can be far from that perception.

The language used to describe entrepreneurs and the behaviour often seen demonstrated on social media as being “entrepreneurial” portrays a 24 hour cycle of “graft” “hustle” and “grind” juxtaposed with jet set lifestyles, fast cars and designer watches or handbags. “Boss Babe” is a term that makes me be sick in my mouth a little bit if I’m honest.

The reality for entrepreneurs is it is a lonely and isolating experience sometimes and it can be hard to see the wood for the trees. The stigma attached to seeking help only exacerbates the perception of failure in the entrepreneur. “Failure is not an option” is a quote shared so often that it can feel terrifying to someone who literally has everything on the line for their dream or their passion.

This doesn’t just apply to struggling entrepreneurs either. Entrepreneurs which have experienced success can become addicted to it - I know I have this tendency! The euphoric feeling of the client saying yes, the results seen when someone implements one of my SEO coaching sessions and gets more traffic and customers to their site. It is heady and it can fuel your desire for more. When is enough enough however? When is it recognised as being unhealthy and an intervention staged? The reality is - it rarely is identified. Pop stars craving the next number one, property developers craving the next big deal, coaches landing that “level” of money. It is seen as a positive - look what they are achieving; look at the boundaries they are smashing. When inside they may be crashing and they feel like they have no one to talk to.

I admit that I can feel a loneliness in my roles as leader and entrepreneur because there isn’t anyone to temper the ideas, no shoulder to cry on when the irrational impostor syndrome kicks in. I used to feel like if I were to admit that something is wrong then people will not trust me in the same way, or they would not respect my authority on any subject. However a few things happened in 2019 have helped me to recognise that actually it is ok to seek counsel, help and advice. Here are my learnings:

1. I curated my circle. Stopped hanging out with people that made me feel inferior or that I had something to prove.

2. I started networking with likeminded people and talking. Not about the next big idea or my next strategic move, but about me and how I’m doing.

3. I introduced the Mindset Series into my online visibility membership group. Hosted by the fab Aislinn from The Calm Within, this monthly series of insights into mental health and coping mechanisms has caused lightbulb moments with my members and I appreciate the service Aislinn provides massively.

The various campaigns which have started in the last 18 months have been really encouraging when it comes to getting people talking about mental health, and aiming to address the stigma attached to seeking help (or even admitting there is a problem). This is brilliant to see but I think there needs to be a seismic shift in attitudes and our behaviour with social media before we see real progress with this issue.

The learnings I’ve shared in this post are not professionally endorsed or come with any qualification other than my own experience. I do not intend to give any official advice when it comes to mental health or wellbeing, but to share my journey and how I am approaching my own mental health.

Have you reached out to anyone lately?

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Pamela Rae-Welsh is owner and founder of Manchester website design and branding studio, Worsley Creative Services. Passionate about empowering entrepreneurs with a big business toolkit to allow them to operate at the top of their field, Pamela is also trying to practice more mindfulness and considered leadership in 2020!

A Calmer Christmas

Whilst Christmas is often seen as the time to be happy, merry, jolly and bright, in truth, it can be a stressful and busy affair. For many people, the run-up to Christmas can feel overwhelming, trying to juggle everything (getting the "right" presents, the "right" food, making sure you've remembered Christmas jumper day, Christmas fairs, dinners, nativities, works do, booked your hair appointment, nails, visit to the grotto.....) And all too easily, we become overwhelmed and exhausted and can end up feeling resentful.

Here are my top ten tips for keeping calm this Christmas

1. Write a list (check it twice!)

   I’m a big believer in using lists to organise your thoughts, help you keep track, prioritise and delegate. Try writing your to-do list and then review it: how many of the items on it are really necessary? What could you task someone else to do? Writing things down also helps to free up some space in your mind to help you focus on the task in hand.

2. Ask for help

   Seriously, you don’t need to do it all yourself. There’s no point running yourself ragged and then being too exhausted to enjoy the time with your family and friends. Think about what is causing you stress and then ask for help. You may find that people are grateful of being able to help, or it may be mutually beneficial (for example, my friend was getting stressed because she had no time to shop without her daughter present, so I offered to have her daughter for a few hours and job done - she gets to shop in peace and my daughter gets a friend to play which leaves me free to get some jobs done at home).

3. Say no

   If you can’t do something, say so. Don’t say “maybe” if you mean “no”! Be assertive and explain that, whilst you would like to help, you just can’t commit to it. It’s not fair to you or the other person to take on more than you can manage. If the person asking really values and respects you, they’ll appreciate your honesty. You don’t have to accept every invitation or volunteer for every task. And remember that traditions can be changed! If there is something you are not enjoying,have a think about who you are doing it for. If there is a tradition that no longer suits you and your family, create a new one.

4. Budget

   It really isn’t worth getting yourself into debt for one day. Make a realistic budget and stick to it. Charity shops, e-bay and local selling sites might provide the gifts you are looking for at a fraction of the price. And don’t compare: remember that what you see on social media isn’t always a true representation. Yes, your child may be disappointed if they don’t get everything on their list, but they will survive, I promise!

5. Healthy eating

   Don’t let yourself get “hangry”! Remember to keep yourself fuelled, but try and add something nutritious into the Christmas diet! In a season of biscuits, chocolates, and sweet treats, it’s easy to fall into the trap of the quick sugar rush, but remember that it comes with a price. The sugar crash can lead to being tired and irritable, so make sure you pace the nibbles. Moderation is a good word to keep in mind, rather than ending up feeling bloated or unhappy. Equally, make sure you stay hydrated: dehydration can impact on your mental health and well-being, as well as your physical health.

6. Sleep

   Try and keep to a good sleep routine over the Christmas period, to help you feel rested, energised and calm. If you are finding that you are struggling to sleep because of stress or over-excitement, think about good sleep hygiene practices:

   Try avoiding all sources of caffeine from around 3pm. Remember caffeine isn’t just in coffee; it’s also in things like tea, chocolate, and fizzy drinks.  Keep your bedroom for sleeping: checking emails, social media or making lists in bed may stop your brain associating the bedroom as a place of quiet rest and, instead, the bedroom becomes associated as a place of cognitive activity.  Ruminating over your list will keep the brain active, so try keeping a notebook by your bed to write thoughts down before sleep instead. Doing exercise is a great way to relax, however, the endorphins released from exercise can also impact on sleep; try to avoid exercising within two hours of bedtime. Instead, try a lavender bath or reading a relaxing book. Meditation and breathing exercises can also help. Listen to a guided relaxation or peaceful music.

7. Mindful Moments

   As you go about your tasks, try and build in a mindful moment here and there. As you write your Christmas cards, really think about the recipient, the message you want to send. Have a mindful cup of tea and mince pie, savouring the warmth, the flavours and textures. Listen to a Christmas song or carol, mindfully, paying attention to the words, the melodies. Allow yourself to just be.

8. Stay present

   Ground yourself in the moment: Take the time to enjoy the festivities, the time with your family and friends. It’s easy to get caught up in thoughts of what you still need to do, etc, but try and focus on the moment.

9. Go for a walk

   Get away from the chaos of shops, adverts, Christmas songs on repeat. Wrap up warm and go for a good stomp in the woods! The fresh air will help you feel more focused and invigorated and the exercise will help get the endorphins flowing. Taking some time to step into nature can help you feel calmer and grounded.

10. Remember you

    Take a moment to think about what feels really important to you this year. What do YOU want or need? And if you re-frame it slightly, does it help? Instead of "I have to..." try "I choose to...". Listen to your body: make sure you are eating, drinking and resting as much as you need to. With the darker nights, colder days and wintry weather, it’s easy to slip into the winter blues. Practising some self-care can prevent this. Think about what helps you to feel calm: a walk, a snuggle with a pet or loved one, a quiet evening with a book, a warm bath … Give yourself the gift of peace this Christmas. Self-compassion isn’t selfish, it’s necessary for your well-being.

Christmas Bonus, number 11!

Listen to your heart. If you feel you are getting stressed and anxious, try and slow your heart rate. Take in a deep breath, and let it go, slowly and steadily. Repeat. Breath in and breath out, slowing your exhalation, and feeling your heart slow down. Close your eyes and feel yourself becoming stiller and calmer.

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If you are finding the Christmas season stressful or finding it hard to cope, tell someone. Don’t keep things bottled up inside: talk about it with a friend or family member. Or if you need to speak to a professional , you can speak to your GP, a counsellor or The Samaritans (Freephone: 116 123)

Supporting Your Child's Emotional Development

A question I am often asked by parents is, “how can I help my child to manage their emotions?” Parents who bring their children to me for counselling want to know that their child can talk to someone in confidence and receive support, but also want to know how they can support their child as well. After all, therapy is often a long term intervention: there are no “quick fixes”, no over night changes. Wouldn’t it be great if I had a magic wand and could change things instantly? Sadly, I’m no fairy godmother (though the wings and wand are appealing!) But whilst therapy can take a while, parents want to know what they can do NOW - how do they help their child in the short term?

And here’s my answer …

“Be their anchor”

Being an anchor means being grounded, offering security and stability.

Here are my 6 tips for supporting your child emotionally:

Awareness:

Be aware of any changes in mood: your child becoming more tired or withdrawn for example. Or perhaps they are appearing more irritable. What is their behaviour telling you? Listen and notice changes in attitude, appetite, activities, etc. And be aware of your own responses. How are you modelling your emotional responses?

Nurture:

Make sure they are eating well and getting enough sleep. And don’t forget about yourself! Encourage your child to practise some self care and self compassion, and model it for them. Hopefully we're getting the idea of self care... A hot cup of tea, a manicure, a bubble bath, an early night or a good catch up with friends are just some ideas. But self compassion is a little bit different. It's the way we treat ourselves, speak to ourselves, think about ourselves. Do we forgive ourselves when we make a mistake? Do we speak kindly to ourselves when we are vulnerable? Think about the compassion we show our friends and family. Do we do the same for ourselves?

Communicate:

Keep talking, but also listen. Make sure you communicate, whether it’s via text or face to face. Offer cuddles, hugs and reassurance. But pick your moments: if your child is in the throes of a meltdown, give them a little space. Choose a moment when things are quieter and calmer to talk to them about what you’re noticing. Encourage family conversations, too. Try a “worst bit, best bit” activity around the dinner table (I’m a big believer in families eating together where possible) The idea is that each family member offers their worst bit of the day and their most positive. There’s no need to “fix” the worsts bits or dissect them, just listen and acknowledge. Hopefully this will give everyone the chance to feel they have a voice, but also to be aware of how everyone is feeling and to respond accordingly.

Hear them:

Be truly present when they are talking. Yes, it can be easy to lose concentration and listen with half an ear as they list their litany of woes of the day (from the supply teacher getting their name wrong, to having soggy sandwiches at lunch) but the danger of not fully being present is that you might miss the little thing they slip in, which is actually the thing they are really upset about. Practise active listening, letting them talk without jumping in, and reflect back what you’ve heard, so they know they have been heard, but also so you can help them put a name to the emotions they are expressing: “it sounds like that really embarrassed you…”

Offer:

Offer, don’t insist. If your child seems upset, angry or worried, of course you want to jump straight in and “fix it”. But sometimes they need to be able to figure things out for themselves. This is how their problem solving and resilience develop. And if you fix everything, sometimes they come away with a sense of helplessness and failure: they need to be able to manage things themselves sometimes, to develop a sense of achievement and independence. Recognise and acknowledge that you can see they are unhappy/anxious/frustrated, offer to listen and do just that: listen. Let them talk, let them figure it out. And if they can’t, then offer to help, but give them the chance to work it out first.

Relate:

Try and keep an eye on trends, music, slang that is popular amongst your child’s age group. You don’t need to join in, but just having an awareness might help you understand them better.

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Aislinn Marek is a qualified person-centred counsellor, registered with the BACP (British Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapists). She has extensive experience of working within the fields of mental health and education.

For more information about any of the topics covered, please email aislinn@thecalmwithin.co.uk

Sound Waves

One of my go-to stress-relieving strategies is to listen to the sound of the ocean. For me, being by the sea is my happy space. I love the fresh, pure air; the tang of salt; the vastness; the seemingly infinite spectrum of blues and greens; the sound of the waves crashing.

And it's no accident that sounds of the sea often feature on meditation tracks. The steady flow, to and fro, creates a calm, comforting rhythm, akin to being rocked, and allows our brains some respite from the busy, often chaotic sounds of urban life.

To allow ourselves to let go of our thoughts, to become immersed in the rhythm of the waves, frees us to be in the moment, no longer ruminating or analysing, but just to be.

But why does the sound of the sea have such a calming effect? The constant rhythm of the waves can help to regulate our breathing, as our breath becomes synchronised with the tempo of the waves. Slowing and deepening our breathing, extending our exhalations, helps to stop the flow of cortisol (the “stress hormone”) and stimulate the Vagus nerve, helping us to feel calmer in our body and mind. And it’s one steady stream of noise, rather than a mixture of tones, so the brain is able to relax a little, rather than trying to identify a myriad of noises.

There’s an argument, too, that the sound of the waves can be reminiscent of auditory experiences in the womb. The whooshing of blood flowing through arteries; the world muffled by amniotic fluid. This is why parents often use white noise to soothe babies, to try and emulate this effect. The brain recognises this pulsing sound as safe, soothing, and thus begins to become less alert, less hypervigilant.

But, if you’re not by the sea, or haven’t got a wave recording handy, try holding a sea shell up to your ear to create the sound of waves crashing on the sand. Haven’t got a shell? Just cup your hand to your ear for the same effect.

What difference can one person make?

On Thursday 23rd May 2019, I attended the Raring 2go! awards in Bury. The Elizabethan Suite at the Town Hall looked beautiful.

The way the event worked was like this: each category was announced, followed by the name of the finalists. The finalists were invited to stand and then the winner was announced. When it came to my category, I watched as each finalist was announced, and whole tables of people stood. The Calm Within was called and there I stood, just me! It may sound cliched but I did not expect to win. Here was I, a sole trader, just one person, against big companies with multiple employees.

But then the moment came: the golden envelope was opened! (Very Oscars like, I have to say!) And that was it - The Calm Within had won “Best Family Service” in Bury! I was shocked to say the least! The challenge then was to make it all the way across the room (in heels I rarely wear - think Bambi!), up the stairs and to receive my award from the lovely Jayne Deakin, smile for the camera and make my way back - without bursting into tears. For I was so emotionally overwhelmed that that’s what was likely to happen. Thank goodness we didn’t have to do speeches, or it really would have turned into the Oscars!

It was amazing to have won - to have had so many people believe that the service I offer through The Calm Within is a good one, a professional, caring and effective service. That is huge! But more than that - it’s the impact of having a Mental Health and emotional well-being service recognised as being important. It’s not a retailer, a playcentre, a restaurant. All of those things are important and I certainly nominated several, but this is about saying emotional health matters and families are recognising that they CAN access support and don’t have to struggle on alone.

Throughout the evening, people spoke to me about the award; they offered their congratulations, but more importantly, told me that, not knowing what the company was, they had googled or visited the website and had loved what they had seen. They spoke of valuing what the company is all about, and getting mental health services in the community recognised for their importance.

This is what winning the award meant to me. Yes, it is amazing to have my hard work recognised, but also getting the word out there that there is support available. That it is okay to talk about mental health and to ask for help.

And one person can make a difference. Every person that voted for me in the awards made a difference. Think about the world, how many people there are.  If we all made one small change, or did one kind act for each other or the earth, how powerful that change could be. 

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Thank you to Raring2go! Bury for the amazing reward and celebration!

Autism: Awareness and Acceptance

It’s Autism Awareness Week this week and I’ve been sharing as much as I can: there are posts on my Facebook page and Instagram; I’ve been posting on my personal profile on Facebook; I’ve been talking to friends, family and clients about autism. There are some great videos explaining what autism is, and the National Autistic Society have lots of information about it.

But, as a friend of mine (who has ASD and whose children also have ASD) wrote on her Facebook page ”whilst there's a bucket load of information out there … not much of it can be practically useful.”

Times have changed and my feeling is that most of us know about autism, it’s somewhere there on our radar. I would like to think that most people are aware that autism is something that affects the way people see and experience the world and how they communicate with others.

But acceptance of and understanding autism is a whole other topic. Many of us know, or are aware of, people with autism, or autistic people (again, there is some debate, even within the ASD community itself as to which phrase people prefer) We may be aware of autism, but how do we experience it on a day to day basis? How do we support those with autism, and those who support them?

The thing is, as the saying goes: “If you’ve met one person with autism, then you've met one person with autism”. Every person is unique and those with autism are no exception. There is no “scale” - it’s not about being “ a little bit” autistic or “severely” autistic. It is a spectrum, and you can fall anywhere on that spectrum. For some people, sensory issues can be manageable, for others, completely overwhelming. Some people manage certain tasks well, others don’t. Autism is not a disease to be cured: it is a way of functioning, processing and being. It is not the result of vaccines, or the way a person has been parented. It is part of a person’s genetic makeup, like having brown eyes or being tall. And it can be awesome! Just think about some of these people and what they have achieved or shared with the world: Anthony Hopkins, Temple Grandin, Daryl Hannah, Satoshi Tajiri, to name but a few.

For me, I think the key is that if you want to understand something, you need to talk to the people living it. If you want to understand how dyslexia impacts on someone and what their needs are, then talk to them. If someone has depression, talk to them to understand more about how they experience the world and what they need. If someone has suffered a bereavement, don’t assume that you know how they are feeling, or what they need - grief and loss affects us all differently, and we all have our ways of dealing with it.

And so, with autism. If you want to understand and support, then talk to people who have autism, to those who work with people with autism, whose family members have autism. Take the time to ask the questions and to listen to the answers. By the way, phrases such as “I guess we’re all a bit on the spectrum” or “well, he seems normal enough” are not usually well-received! Find out what their difficulties are but also their strengths, their interests. Take the time to get to know them, as unique individuals. Don’t exclude or assume - if in doubt, ask. Be aware, but also accept. Try to accept that someone may not be able to meet your eye: this does not mean they are not listening. Accept that sometimes, people need a little longer to process information: don’t rush them or try and finish their sentences. Be patient. Try and understand that someone may find crowds or noise overwhelming and may prefer to go for a walk in the country rather than to a busy cafe in town. Try to accept that someone may inadvertently say the wrong thing, something “socially unacceptable”, but embrace that they are being honest and open and telling you how they really see the world. Try and accept that, sometimes, the world is scary and overwhelming and we all need to deal with it in our own way. And if you don’t understand, then say so.

Awareness, understanding and acceptance. Not just for a week - always.

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To find out more about autism, you can visit the National Autistic Society.