Ten Ways To Calm An Anxious Child

“How do I calm my anxious child?”, is a question so many parents want answering. To see your child in distress, unable to speak, withdrawing from friendships, activities, or refusing to go to school, can be heartbreaking, and often parents feel helpless. And because anxiety is often masked by anger, it can be hard to identify or empathise with. When your child is shouting or hitting out, because they are overwhelmed by feelings of anxiety that they cannot control, it can be tricky to see the anxiety beneath, and to stay calm yourself.

Here are my top ten suggestions for helping your anxious child feel calmer (you might find they help you, too!)

1. Recognise

   The first key is recognising that what your child is experiencing is anxiety. Often anxiety wears a disguise and it can be hard to see the emotion through the behaviour. Some signs to look for are: changes in appetite, disturbed sleep or difficulty settling to sleep, complaining of tummy aches or being unwell, frequently needing the toilet, being tense or fidgety, struggling to focus or concentrate, becoming irritable or angry, crying frequently or seeming clingy. Help your child to recognise that what they are experiencing is anxiety: simply by naming it, they often feel more in control.

2. Rescue

   Imagine your child is swimming in the sea and starts drowning: you wouldn’t stand on the beach and shout instructions, you’d be in there, grabbing hold and pulling them out. In the same way, when your child is in the midst of an anxiety attack or appears overwhelmed, step in and help them. The time for teaching them techniques is when they are calm and settled and able to take on board what you are teaching them.

3. Just Be

   You are stressed, overwhelmed, incapacitated by anxiety and someone is asking you questions, asking you to use logic and thought, to put your jumbled up thoughts and feelings into a coherent sentence. Sounds tricky? That’s how your child is feeling. Allow them to just be: reassure them that the panicky feeling will pass, and that you are there with them. Try not to make too many expectations of them whilst they are in the midst of an anxiety attack. We want to “fix it”, but sometimes we need to take a step back and let the anxiety wave run its course.

4. Breathe

   Helping your child to regulate their breathing can help them to reset their nervous system and feel calmer. You can try and encourage your child to engage in breathing exercises, but if they are too overwhelmed to listen and actively participate, sit with them and regulate your breathing, and their breathing will gradually sync with yours. Sit with your child’s back to your chest and allow your breathing to set the pace for theirs. Try using bubbles to help your child control their breathing.

5. Touch

   Using touch can be highly effective in reducing anxiety and calming the nervous system. We often use touch instinctively to help calm our children: rubbing their back, squeezing their hand in reassurance, stroking their head, etc. You can find out more about the importance of touch in a previous blog post.

6. Lengthen

   When we are anxious, we may tend to curl up, almost as if we are trying to make ourselves invisible. By lengthening ourselves, rolling the shoulders back, opening up the chest, stretching out the fingers, etc, we are releasing the tension in the body, allowing our bodies and brains to feel calmer, more relaxed.

7. Listen

   When your child is talking to you about the things that worry them, listen. Whilst their worries may seem small, silly, illogical or insignificant to you, they are very real to your child. You don’t have to “fix” their problems, or find an answer to their worries: often, just reassuring them that you are there and listening to them will be enough to help them feel secure, heard and empowered to either take action or let the worry go. If you want to explore more about helping your child build their resilience and stand on their own two feet, have a read of this blog.

8. Normalise

   Let your child know that it is normal and okay to worry about things. Having a sense of caution is vital to our survival: if we weren’t concerned about being run over, we would walk blindly into the road without checking for cars, for example. We take out insurance, use passwords and PINs, caution our children against talking to strangers, etc. And when we worry about something, it indicates a sense of importance: if I am worrying about an upcoming test, it is because I want to do well, the results are important to me. Worrying is normal and natural: the issue is when the worries become too big for us to manage, begin to impact on our daily lives, or cause us to feel unwell.

9. Long term plan

   When your child is feeling calm and settled, help them to think about how they manage feelings of anxiety. If they regularly practise breathing techniques, use grounding techniques, use calming self-talk, these strategies can start to take effect and become a more instinctive way of responding to anxiety. It’s important, too, to think about the causes of anxiety and to help your child make an action plan: are these things that are within their control, or negative thoughts, “what ifs”, that they need support in letting go of?

10. Practise

    As with anything we want our children to be proficient at, it is important to practice the strategies on a regular basis. Try and build affirmations, stretches, breathing techniques into your daily routine. Find ways of offering your child space to talk on a regular basis, not just when a difficulty pops up.

11. Reward

    I know I said ten, but here’s your bonus tip! Reward your child when they have managed their anxiety well. Help them to recognise when they have handled an anxiety-provoking situation in a calm and confident manner, and give them praise for this. This can help them to feel more confident in their ability to manage those tricky emotions, but also they will know you have noticed them and the positive attention can work wonders.

Further reading

The following are books that I often recommend to parents and carers. I am not affiliated with any of them, I’ve just found them to be beneficial.

• Little Meerkat's Big Panic: A Story About Learning New Ways to Feel Calm by Jane Evans

• What To Do When You Worry Too Much: A Kid's Guide To Overcoming Anxiety by Dawn Huebner

• The Huge Bag Of Worries by Virginia Ironside

• Worries Go Away! by Kes Gray

I also stock a variety of books and CDs from Relax Kids. I particularly recommend the A Monster Handbook, which helps children feel more in control of their difficult emotions, such as anxiety.

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Aislinn Marek is a qualified person-centred counsellor, registered with the BACP. She has worked within the NHS, education and private practice for many years, and is passionate about supporting people with their mental health.

If you are concerned about your child’s emotional well-being, please do seek support from their health visitor, school nurse or GP. Each child is an individual and should be treated as such.

Image credit: Jo Bishop Photography

Standing On Their Own Two Feet

When it comes to our children, too often we find it hard to allow them to stand on their own two feet. Instead, we hold their hands, we reach for our toolbox or our magic wands and try and make the problems they face go away.

But what are we really teaching them? Are we, in fact, helping them at all?

As parents, we often get drawn into the trap of feeling as though we need to rescue our children, protect them from hurt, disappointment, fear or rejection. And yet experiencing these emotions is what helps to shape their resilience and increase their strength. Their experiences contribute to their resilience, helping them become more self-reliant, more independent. To take these experiences away, to “shield” them, can often be counter-productive. By jumping in and trying to fix everything, solve their problems, take their hurt away, we are often denying them the very experiences they need in order to grow. And all too often, we leave them with the message that they are not capable of doing it themselves; that we can do it better than them.

So I invite you to step back, put the “toolbox” or the “magic wand” down and allow them to feel, to problem solve, to think for themselves, to fight their own battles and develop their resilience. Here are a few suggestions as to how this can be done.

1. Be a supporter and teacher, not a rescuer. Children need to have secure relationships; they need to know that they have someone in their corner. Often, they need picking up and reassuring. Yet, it’s important that we allow our children to make their mistakes, that we encourage them to step out of their comfort zone and find their own solutions. Try not to fight their battles for them. By all means be there to step up if their voice is not being heard, or if the situation is out of their control, but allow them the opportunity to try to manage it themselves first. Be the back up, not the front runner. Be there, listen, and acknowledge them. Try not to dismiss their fears or worries. Help them problem solve, and find a solution that works, but don’t be tempted to solve their problems for them. Help them to overcome their challenges by themselves. The grin on their face as they experience a sense of achievement and confidence will be worth it.

2. Encourage them to try new things, give them responsibilities and develop their independence with age appropriate opportunities, e.g. being responsible for putting their clothes away, ordering their own food at a restaurant, dressing themselves or feeding themselves (no matter how long it takes or how messy it gets!) climbing rocks and trees, using knives to help prepare food. Try not to take away their independence by doing things for them that they are capable of. It may be quicker, easier, less messy for you to do it, but you are teaching them that you can do it better. Similarly, you cannot eliminate all risk. Allow appropriate risk taking, and let them learn essential skills. They need to be able to trust their own judgement, and feel a sense of achievement and pride.

3. Model and teach emotional regulation. When our children are hurt, we want to take that hurt away and “make it better”. But actually, it is more beneficial to help them recognise, acknowledge and experience their true emotions, rather than giving the message that it is in some way bad or wrong to feel upset or angry. Suppressing their emotions, pushing them away, will only led to bigger problems. Sit with them and listen to them. Don’t try to fix it. Just be there. In this way, they will learn how to cope with disappointment, failure, upset and rejection, rather than see it as something to fear, or something which they cannot regulate or control.

4. Keep expectations realistic. If our expectations are too low, children will easily meet them and not experience the importance of overcoming challenges. Equally, too high an expectation means setting them up to fail. Try not to put too much pressure on them, reminding yourself of their age and capabilities.

5. Let them experience failure, disappointment and make mistakes. All too often, we try and make that piece of homework perfect, nag them to practise their musical instrument or dance steps. We want them to succeed. But are we teaching them about consequences? Whose responsibility is it? Failure is not the end of the world. It allows us to see our mistakes, experience consequences and make our own choices. Similarly, we try and make everything “fair”. We ensure all the children at the party win a prize, for example (Pass the Parcel has certainly changed since I was young!). But what does this teach them about being resilient?

6. Let them experience being bored, not getting what they want, putting others before themselves, not getting the “quick fix”. We frequently try and meet all our children’s wants and needs immediately. We provide entertainment when they may have to wait for something e.g. an appointment, waiting for their meal to be served, etc. We want to give them the things they want for birthdays, Christmas, in the supermarket, even if this means be in debt. We give them a quick snack or convenience food because we don’t want them to have to wait (they may get “hangry” and act out!) But we are denying them the chance to learn to be patient, to have to wait, to realise that they will not always get everything they want even if “everyone else has one”. Remember to praise them for being patient, for being grateful for what they have.

7. Praise their effort and hard work, rather than the end result. If they have worked hard to overcome a challenge, or have had to repeat a test over and over before getting it right, acknowledge their achievement, courage and resiliency. Encourage a growth mindset: to fail helps us learn and grow; we get better with practice; see other peoples’ accomplishments as inspirational rather than as competition.

8. Let them know it’s okay to ask for help. As much as I advocate encouraging independence and self-reliance, I also believe it is important that children know that asking for help isn’t weak or failing; it is brave and strong to know your limits, to know when you need support.

9. Model resiliency. Our children watch us - all the time. They want to be like us, to imitate us. Show them that you, too, feel disappointment, experience failure and upset. But that it can be managed. It will pass. We will grow stronger from overcoming our challenges. Normalise these experiences and emotions for them.

10. See them. Really notice them: their qualities, their strengths, their unique personalities. Help them to see these things, too. Tell them you are proud of them, their courage, determination, kindness and thoughtfulness. Building their self-esteem and confidence will help them to be brave, to step out of their comfort zone, risk failure. Because they know that they are special, loved, worthy.

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If you would like more information about helping your child with their emotions, please do see the Relax Kids page or email aislinn@thecalmwithin.co.uk