How Can Women Manage Their Mental Health During Menopause?

Menopause is defined as the time beyond which our periods have ended. It happens because our egg supply diminishes, meaning that we produce less and less of the hormone oestrogen.

Oestrogen has a protective effect. It helps regulate temperature and sleep and also has a part to play in memory and bone strength. Of course, it is also a major player in fertility, alongside progesterone and testosterone. Decline of progesterone levels happens in the years before menopause - in perimenopause - and this loss causes symptoms such as loss of libido and motivation.

When we are in our fertile years, between puberty and menopause, our brains are awash with oestrogen. It helps us adapt to motherhood, regulates our periods, and promotes brain health, amongst other actions.

So as oestrogen levels drop as we enter perimenopause, our brain has to learn to manage without it.

What are the symptoms that women struggle with?

Firstly, not everyone struggles with menopause. Around 20% of women will sail through and hardly notice it happened. 60% will experience mild to moderate symptoms. Only the remaining 20% will experience symptoms severe enough to impact their daily lives. 

Here are the top 4 symptoms …

Hot flushes

One of the most common symptoms is hot flushes (or flashes). These immense surges of heat occur because oestrogen normally regulates temperature. In its absence, the range of temperature that is manageable for us becomes much smaller. Women in menopause often experience being too cold as well as too hot.

On their own, hot flushes may not be too much of a concern. They become problematic when women experience them at inconvenient or inappropriate moments. So, for example it may be fine to have a hot flush whilst you’re chatting with a good friend at home. Not so great if you’re presenting an important idea at a work meeting.

Poor sleep

Women in menopause and perimenopause often report poor sleep. They may fall asleep easily and then wake in the night and be unable to fall asleep again.

Sometimes the problem is temperature regulation. During menopause, we experience night sweats and hot flushes which keep us awake. Sometimes it may even mean changing the sheets.

Lack of sleep leads to a myriad of other symptoms, not least of which is - 

Brain fog

Brain fog includes the feeling that it’s impossible to make decisions, find words, remember names. It’s frustrating, embarrassing and can be frightening. It can lead to a loss of confidence in even the most confident and competent women.

As a hypnotherapist, one of the main reasons women come to see me in perimenopause and menopause is because of a loss of confidence, caused by brain fog.

This loss of confidence shows up in all sorts of ways; in relationships, at work, when driving. Even simple decisions become difficult when brain fog gets in the way. We can wonder if we are losing our minds.

Depression

Hot flushes leading to poor sleep and brain fog with a resultant loss of confidence, can create depression.

The reality is, that these symptoms and our menopause often run alongside other major life events.

At this time in our lives, there are social pressures that come from ageing, ageing parents, children leaving home, illness, bereavement and a host of others. It’s hardly surprising that we feel an impact on our mental health.

So, what can we do about it all?!

Firstly, check in with your GP. Symptoms of menopause are similar to those of other conditions, so get checked and know what you’re dealing with. You may want to discuss HRT (hormone replacement therapy) which can be extremely effective in managing symptoms. Not everyone wants HRT though, and some women are excluded from taking it for various health reasons. If you’re not ready or able to go down that route, here are some effective strategies to help.

•  Stay healthy. Find some exercise that you enjoy - do it with friends. Exercise is one of the most effective ways to manage the symptoms of menopause, and of course it has fantastic side effects! Low impact and strength-based activities such as walking, and Pilates are currently thought to be most beneficial for midlife women. When you exercise with friends, or join a new group, you also reap the rewards of support and connection.

• Eat healthily and investigate the foods which are especially beneficial for women in menopause. I can recommend Emma Skilton and Margaret Bell as nutritional experts for women in midlife. You may also want to look at the Blue Zones website, where you’ll discover how communities around the world stay healthy for longer.

• Discover a new perspective. You may have to change the way you see things and see yourself. This is a new phase of life, one which you haven’t experienced before. What are the opportunities? It’s easy to see what’s going wrong. When you make a deliberate decision to choose to see what’s going right, you can change your life. Solution Focused therapy can help with this, by increasing your confidence and motivation.

• Plan for change. Change is inevitable and as women we are fantastic at adapting. We have spent our lives with changing moods and phases brought about by our hormones, and in some ways, menopause is no different. What IS different is that in this stage of life we have a power and experience that can mean we can shape this new phase in unexpected and exciting ways. So instead of worrying that you will miss your children when they fly the nest, be ready with a new hobby or interest. Instead of mourning your ability to party until dawn, learn how to enjoy the sunrise from a hilltop or a beach.

• Learn to relax. Real, deep relaxation is beneficial for both physical and mental health. When we relax deeply, we stimulate the part of our nervous system that regulates our digestion, blood pressure and heart rate. If you can also take yourself into a hypnotic state, you’ll experience a refresh of your mind which will clear the brain fog.

• Take a nap. A strategic 20-minute nap is like magic! I’m known as ‘The Queen of the Power Nap’ and for good reason. If you nap for around 20 minutes and no longer, and your nap is complete by 4pm, it won’t affect your night-time sleep. In fact, you will probably discover that you sleep better at night.

• Recognise your resources. It’s easy to feel that you have lost your confidence and sparkle when they get covered up by menopause symptoms. They are definitely still there. Sometimes we just need a little help to rediscover them. Doing some of the things mentioned above can help. If you need a bit more, ask for recommendations for a good therapist or coach.

Remember that menopause, like all other cycles of our lives, will pass. Talking, sharing, and educating yourself about the symptoms can make it feel less daunting.

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At Aloft Hypnotherapy, founder Sally Potter has focused on supporting women to truly take control of their mental health and well-being and has created a specialist, holistic approach to help. Using a gentle mix of solution focused questioning, hypnosis, and a sprinkle of neuroscience, she guides clients to recognise their strengths, to create the future they want, free from fear, and full of confidence.

Solutions range from group relaxation classes and one-to-one hypnotherapy to residential retreats. To discover more, you can visit alofthypnotherapy.com, or linktr.ee/pottersaloft

Taking Care Of Your Mental Health In Autumn

Autumn can often seem to creep up on us. One day we’re enjoying the summer warmth, enjoying ice cream or fish and chips at the beach, and the next day the "big coat" is out, the boots are on, and for me, the electric blanket is warming my bed! Personally, I love autumn, for its beautiful colours, excuse to snuggle under cosy blankets, wear chunky jumpers and indulge in hot chocolates. And who can resist the lure of jumping in a leaf pile in your wellies?!

“Autumn...the year’s last, loveliest smile.”

— William Cullent Bryant

But it can be easy to slip into low mood and depression in the "ber" months, as the nights draw in and we're battered by wind and rain. The seasonal change in sunlight and temperature can result in a drop in serotonin, impact on our circadian rhythm and disrupt our melatonin production. All of these can impact on our mental health. So here are my top tips for looking after your mental health in autumn.

Keep active

When it's a bit chilly and dark, we often feel like curling up, keeping warm and staying in, but it's important to keep your body moving. Keeping moving, and exercising, can be crucial to beating the low mood that can accompany autumn, as the light starts to fade and the temperature drops. Getting outdoors if you can is good for boosting your vitamin D (helpful for your mood, immune system, bone health etc), but indoor exercise is beneficial too, as it releases endorphins (feel good hormones), keeps you physically healthy and helps keep you warmer.

Get outside

Try and get outside in the fresh air (if you can find some sunshine, even better!) Taking a short walk on your lunch break, or just stepping outside for a few moments can make a big difference to your mood, especially if you are working inside all day. The change of air, environment, and exercise all help keep you mentally healthy. Autumn can offer some inspiring sunsets, if you venture out for a walk at the end of the day.

Perhaps go for a sensory walk, noticing what you can hear, smell, see, etc. Autumn is such a sensory-rich season: the crunch of leaves underfoot, the beautiful orange and red leaves.

Eat well

Eating fruit and vegetables helps to boost your mental health, along with foods rich in omega-3 fatty acids. There are a variety of seasonal fruit and veg in autumn: carrots, pumpkins, blackberries, watercress. Eating seasonally means that food is often cheaper and at its best, as well as being better for the environment and often supporting local economy (which all makes us feel good!) If you are lacking motivation for cooking, using a slowcooker or batch cooking can be a good solution. Having a warm dinner waiting for you when you get home can really lift your spirits on a cold, wet night.

Cinnamon is one of my favourite autumnal flavours and it has so many benefits for our mental and physical health. It has anti-inflammatory properties, is loaded with antioxidants, has been linked to a reduction in heart disease and can be beneficial in alleviating digestive symptoms. Whilst more research is needed, there is some evidence to suggest that smelling cinnamon can help with cognitive functions and improving memory. Its warming and stimulating properties are helpful for those feeling low and lethargic.

Make contact

Many of us are aware of the impact of isolation on our mental health (especially in light of the recent pandemic). Though it can be tempting to curl up in the warmth at home, feelings of loneliness and disconnection can creep in. Consider planning a few meet ups and putting them on your calendar: having things to look forward to can lift your mood, and having pre-planned events helps keep you motivated and engaged, especially when you perhaps don’t have the energy for spontaneity. And if a physical meet up feels too much, perhaps having a good old fashioned phone call might feel more beneficial.

Be proactive

If you know that the autumn and winter months can trigger low mood, anxiety or depression for you, especially if you suffer with Seasonal Affective Disorder, take action and be proactive. Practicing mindfulness is a way to help you stay present and focused. Focus on the things you can do to stay healthy in mind, body and spirit.

It’s ok to say no to invitations, if you feel overwhelmed by social activities (more indoor gatherings start to be planned in these months, which can feel uncomfortable for some people, especially following the Covid-19 restrictions). Think about the events or people that mean the most to you, and prioritise those.

Think about how you can boost your immune system, ensuring you get enough sleep, sunlight, exercise, eating a healthy diet, taking supplements, if necessary.

Embrace it

Autumn can have lots to offer in different cultures: Thanksgiving, Halloween, Bonfire Night, for example. There is conker-collecting, walks in the forest, harvest festivals, lantern trials, pumpkin-picking, bat-watching, making hedgehog bread, firework displays, kite-flying, just to name a few! Looking forward to the spring might help your mood: planting bulbs such as daffodils or tulips at this time of year will give you a wonderful display of colour in the spring.

Perhaps take some time to reflect on what autumn can offer you and embrace it.

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Autumn reflection

Step outside and pause.

See the rich, autumnal colours.

Breathe in the earthy scents.

Listen to the leaves crunch beneath your feet.

Feel the breeze upon your cheek.

Pause.

Just be.

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If you are struggling with your mental health, please do speak out: you could talk to your GP, a friend, family member or colleague, or book an appointment with a counsellor.

Aislinn Marek is a qualified person-centred counsellor, registered with the BACP. She has worked within the NHS, education and private practice for many years, and is passionate about supporting people with their mental health.

Taking Time Off Work ... Without Feeling Guilty

The last few months haven’t been easy.  At the end of May 2021, I had to take some time off work: I had suddenly become unwell, and was unable to drive or see clients.  I needed a break and I knew a week or two wasn’t going to be enough.  I was already spinning a number of unpredictable plates, including having two primary school aged children (one about to transition to high school) and being self-employed, and this unexpected illness was one plate too many.  I thought it was better to put some plates down, rather than let them all fall and smash!  And so, after a talk with my clinical supervisor and family, I contacted my clients and let them know. 

Fast forward to today and, fortunately, I am better and am back at work, now my children are back at school (picking up one plate at a time, rather than the whole lot in one go!)

Putting Down the plates

Part of the reason for writing this is to say, “Hello, I’m back!” and share a little of what has been going on behind the scenes(and why my social media has been so quiet!)  But the main reason is to say that we all have a number of plates we are spinning, and that it’s okay to put some of those plates down now and again.  Whether that means asking for help with childcare, cleaning, shopping, reducing hours or taking some time off work; you’re allowed to ask for help. None of us is super-human (sorry to break to that to you!)

For many of us, however, taking time off work feels impossible: we feel too guilty, we have people depending on us, right? The “what-ifs” seem endless. What if I fall too far behind with my work?  What if people think I’m faking? What if my colleagues / employers / clients no longer value me?  What about money? What if I find I just can’t face going back? And often, our work is such an integral part of who we are, that if we stop work for a while, we can feel like we are losing part of ourselves.

It’s important for us to remember that we are human beings, not robots.  We charge our mobile phones, laptops, tablets; we put fuel in our cars; we take care of the things that help us do our jobs.  But how much do we take care of ourselves? And are we able to see our own needs as being important?

Prevention is a good medicine

Ideally, we can take a proactive attitude to preventing illness (both mental and physical).  We can look after ourselves using such tools as nutrition, aromatherapy, yoga and exercise.  We can get organised, boost our confidence and manage our stress levels.  We can create a healthy work/life balance (yes, such a thing can exist!). We can engage in counselling to help us feel more self-aware or balanced, or work through tricky situations, thoughts or feelings. We can have a practice of checking in with what’s going on in our lives, recognising what we need, and taking action. Thus, we can keep the plates spinning.

Curve Balls

“Worryingly, over half (52.5%) of professionals said they feel too guilty to take time off when they’re genuinely ill.”

— CV-Library Ltd, 2019

But sometimes, even with the best plans, programmes, routines, etc, life throws us a curve ball we can’t dodge, and we have to make the decision to take time off.  When you recognise you are not well or need to take time off for whatever reason, it’s important to give yourself permission to do that: take time off and focus on what you need. Recognise your worth and make sure your needs are met.  Pushing through illness or stress rarely serves anyone (you or your employer/company): we can become more unwell, more stressed, our performance can be impacted upon and it frequently creates more problems. How many of us drag ourselves in to work when we don’t feel 100%, and then make ourselves worse so we end up taking a week off instead of a day? If you force yourself to carry on, the likelihood is that you’re not going to be productive, it could be dangerous (depending on your role), and honestly, you’re not going to win a medal for carrying on at work when you’re not really able to (sorry to disappoint you!) Think about what you would say to a friend or relative in the same situation: you’d want them to take care of themselves, right? Try and acknowledge where you are at, and give yourself permission to take the time you need to get better, or to get things in order so that you can resume spinning that plate labelled “work”.

Make that call

Once you’ve made the decision to take time off (or it’s been made for you!), tell your employers as soon as possible, as prolonging it often adds to the feelings of stress and anxiety. And then … use your time well.  You are taking time off work, so no emails, phone calls, or paperwork should be taking place. Equally, try not to get caught up in the domestic “to-do” list of laundry, housework, admin. Rest, sleep, hibernate under the duvet if that’s what you need.  Go for a walk, read, sketch, watch TV, play a game, bake, garden.  If you’re not contagious, see a friend. If you’re taking a long period of time off, it can be helpful to have a gentle routine, but ultimately do what you need to, to feel whole again, to feel healthy, happy, you. This is your time, so use it to re-charge.

Whether we take a single day off work, or a few weeks or months, the stress and impact on our mental health can be significant, if we don’t allow ourselves permission.

Beating yourself up and submerging yourself in a pool of guilt doesn’t do you any favours (and often prolongs your recovery time or absence from work). 

Remember that you cannot do your best at work if you are not feeling your best or not able to work. Return to work when you are ready, not because you feel guilty!

The quick-read!

Reasons to take time off when you are ill:

• You are worthy of being healthy, and deserve to take time off to get better.

  That should be enough but, if you need more …

• Continuing to work can potentially be dangerous for you and/or others;

• Pushing yourself can make you more unwell, leading to a longer period of absence.

• You are likely to be less productive;

• Contain your illness, if contagious, rather than spread it to others.

What to do when you are off sick:

• Take care of yourself, mentally and physically;

• Rest and recharge;

• Leave work at work!

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Mental Health

One last thing: many people who are struggling with their mental health find it hard to take time off, because it’s not as easy to explain as a cold, flu or stomach bug, and people may feel there is a stigma around this. If you need to take some time off work, due to mental health problems, but you’re worried about how your employers might respond, Mind have some useful information about telling your employer and knowing your rights.

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If you are struggling with your mental health, please do speak out: you could talk to your GP, a friend, family member or colleague, or book an appointment with a counsellor.

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Aislinn Marek is a qualified person-centred counsellor, registered with the BACP. She has worked within the NHS, education and private practice for many years, and is passionate about supporting people with their mental health.

She is happy to be back at work!

Children's Mental Health Week 2021

The theme for this year’s Children’s Mental Health Week is “Express Yourself”.  Self-expression is hugely important for our mental health and emotional wellbeing.  It allows us to communicate our thoughts and feelings, share our identity, our story, our individuality.  Too often, we are influenced by others as to how we should behave, think, look, be, and feel ourselves falling into the comparison trap, or feel we are restricted, have to hide or suppress our true selves, so encouraging our children to be themselves is essential for their well-being.  Empowering them to be their true, authentic selves is one of the best gifts we can give them.   

Around three children in every primary school class has a mental health problem, and many more struggle with challenges from bullying to bereavement.

We know that children are struggling with their mental health, and statistics like this are far too high. Supporting children’s mental health isn’t only about reacting to those who are already struggling: we need to be proactive in building good mental health for all our children. We can do this through teaching our children about mental health, helping them to recognise stress and anxiety and how to regulate those feelings. We can give children a sense of belonging and validation, giving them positive attention and affirmation, boosting their self-esteem and self-confidence. Role modelling emotional regulation and positive coping strategies also helps teach our children how to have positive mental health.

But back to this week’s focus! In terms of supporting your child with expressing themselves, firstly, it’s helpful to remember that our children are expressing themselves all the time, but not necessarily in words, or the words we want to hear!  Try and hold in mind that behaviour is always trying telling us something: try and listen to the message behind the behaviour, and the needs your child is trying to communicate to you.  Let them know you have heard them, and try and give them the words they need, through modelling use of emotional language, or help them to explore expression through creativity.

“This year’s Children’s Mental Health Week is all about expressing yourself – about finding creative ways in which to share your thoughts, ideas and feelings. So whether that’s through photography, through art, through drama, through music or poetry – it’s finding those things that makes you feel good about yourself.”

— The Duchess Of Cambridge

If you are thinking about how to engage your child in an activity which helps them express themselves, reflect on what has already engaged them.  What are they already interested in or passionate about?  Take some time to talk about these with your child – praise their efforts, notice their creativity and let them know you have noticed.  Perhaps they have been spending a lot of time creating with Lego, or building a world on Minecraft, baking, making jewellery, designing outfits, taking photos, writing stories, role-playing with their toys, or finding creative games to play with their football.  Whatever it is, take the time to notice and encourage them. It can be tricky, if their passion is something you know nothing about, or have no interest in yourself, but taking the time to educate yourself, or ask your child to share their interest with you is definitely worth it, in terms of building your bond and encouraging their self-expression.

If your child is feeling a bit stuck, consider trying something new together – there are so many video tutorials and programmes that you could watch and be inspired by.  Or if you are feeling stuck yourself, why not ask a grandparent, friend or family member to help you out and lead a video session?  It’s a great way of connecting with each other when we can’t physically get together. And perhaps check out what is on offer in the community: choirs, orchestras, drama groups, art classes (activities may well remain online for now, but can still be a great way to develop your child’s imagination, social skills and self-expression).

Perhaps most importantly, please do remember that none of this is designed to put pressure on you or your child (there is far too much of that around!) You don’t have to be the best at something: this is about helping your child find their voice, share their thoughts and feelings, so they don’t get bottled up and become overwhelming. And it might help you, too! So, sing your heart out, even if you’re off key and forget the words! Write a poem, knit a scarf, give your Dad a makeover, paint a picture, roll a Dungeons & Dragons’ character, create a tik-tok, bake a show-stopper - however you choose to do it, express yourself! (Cue me singing along to Madonna!)

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As always, if you are concerned about your child’s emotional well-being, please do seek support from their health visitor, school nurse or GP.

Aislinn Marek is a qualified person-centred counsellor, registered with the BACP. She has worked within the NHS, education and private practice for many years, and is passionate about supporting people of all ages with their mental health.

Can Exercise Really Support Your Mental Health?

It’s a well-known unarguable fact that exercise is important to your physical health. Not only can exercise help you to stay fit, strong, and healthy but it can also help to prevent physical injury and illness. A strong supportive core will reduce the likelihood of back pain and common back injuries, a strong cardiovascular system will be able to fight off and recover from the common cold much quicker than a weaker system, a body that is used to moving, running, walking, lifting weights and other activities will have stronger denser bones and a lower risk of osteoporosis as we move into old age. This we know and understand because it has been well documented over the years.

But what about your mental health, can it really benefit in a similar way from exercise?

The very simple answer is yes! Yes, regular exercise will support your mental health and it will do so in lots of different ways. The charity Rethink Mental Illness was founded almost 50 years ago in order to support those with mental illness and also those caring for people with mental illness. They champion the use of regular exercise to help with a number of different conditions.

 It is widely recognised that exercise can:

• Reduce stress levels

• Improve your quality of sleep

• Improve your overall mood

• Reduce bouts of or the severity of anxiety

• Reduce the risk of depression

• Help build self-esteem and self-confidence

All of this can lead to an overall healthier mind-body relationship. Several things happen when we take part in purposeful exercise, we encourage the release of endorphins within the body which are known as the body’s own natural alternative to ‘happy pills’ and we become more susceptible to the effects of serotonin which is proven to reduce feelings of depression.

What is purposeful exercise and how much should we get?

My definition of purposeful exercise is when you set out to participate in an activity that will elevate both your heart rate and your breathing rate. So essentially something that challenges your cardiovascular system. It is purposeful because it is more than just your normal level of activity. Now this can be any kind of exercise, it could be walking, yoga, running, lifting weights, swimming, dancing, rock climbing, martial arts, or even horse riding, the list of possibilities is endless. It is anything that is not just a part of your normal day to day activities and which makes you exert your body in some way. With so much choice that means that every single one of us can find something that we are capable of doing and that we can enjoy.

For me it’s important to enjoy the exercise that you choose to do, exercise should not feel like a punishment and the more that you enjoy it the more likely you are to stick with it in the long term and see both the physical and mental benefits. It might take a little time and be a bit like trial and error to begin with but there is something out there for all of us. Try not to let fear or your preconceived ideas hold you back from giving something new a go.

You will also be pleased to hear that you don’t need to spend hours at a time exercising to start to see the benefits. In 2018 an article published by Psychology Today suggested that 45 minutes of exercise three times a week is enough to help even those with chronic depression.

As a form of maintenance and to prevent a downward spiral in mental health I would suggest that a minimum of 25 minutes of physical exertion three times a week over a prolonged time period, i.e. set this as your new routine and maintain it in the long term, is enough. Research shows that it takes around four weeks of regular exercise to really begin to see the positive changes in your mental health but from that very first session you will start to see a pattern of positive reinforcement. A sense of achievement after each session can leave you feeling positive for the rest of the day and more able to take on the challenges that may be thrown your way.

How do I get started?

What to do and how to do it can be very daunting, with so much choice it is easy to feel overwhelmed and just decide not to bother at all. Here are my top tips:

Try out a few different activities – keep them low cost if you can.

• Trying out more than one sport or activity will help you to find something you enjoy. Remember enjoyment means that we are more likely to commit and keep on doing it.

Make a plan

• Look at your schedule for the week ahead and identify where you have gaps that you can fit exercise in to. Remember you only need some 30-minute time slots, then plan it into your diary so that you don’t forget or double book yourself!

Be realistic about what you can manage

• Don’t go all out and then burn out. 30 minutes 3 times a week sustained over a 12-week period is much better for you than a handful of one-hour sessions that you can’t sustain.

Summary

So, whilst we might at times need medical intervention and medication to help ‘balance’ us out we can also combine this with exercise to create a double pronged attack against what so many call ‘The Black Dog’. Our mental health is complex and can suffer in many different ways and for many different reasons but there are steps that we can take to support ourselves. The next level to think about after exercise is how our nutrition can also help or hinder our mental health. For more information or to see how you can work with me to support your mental health and self-love just head over to my site here.

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Author, speaker, and cheerleader for women all across the globe, Laura is a mum of one and knows first hand how easy it is to put yourself last. Laura’s mission is to help thousands of women to realise that they are beautiful just as they are, that exercise goes far beyond the physical and that self-love does not mean feeling like you are perfect. Laura now has multiple books available on Amazon ranging from her own story to finding self-love, to fiction, to a fitness and nutrition journal she has created to help women on their journey.

Find out more about Laura and her services at www.laurab-empoweredwords.com

Breaking the stigma with mental health among entrepreneurs

A guest blog by Pamela Rae-Welsh, online visibility specialist and entrepreneur.

I read some worrying statistics in a blog post the other day - on shopify of all places; about the rising trend of mental health issues, clinical depression and the rise of suicide within the entrepreneurial community. I’m not going to lie it had a profound effect on me, and I’m sure looking at those facts it would take even the hardest of nuts not to feel concern for the trajectory.

Entrepreneurs are proven to experience more stress, more worry and feel more isolated than any other working population according to the Gallup wellness survey. It’s easy to identify why. As entrepreneurs we wear all of the hats - and are often seen as one man band crusaders on a mission to disrupt whatever industry we are in. Being branded as “crusaders” “pioneers” and “disrupters” in itself comes with a pressure that failure is not an option, that we “soldier on” solitary and blinkered to the real world. We are often referenced to as superhuman. However, the reality can be far from that perception.

The language used to describe entrepreneurs and the behaviour often seen demonstrated on social media as being “entrepreneurial” portrays a 24 hour cycle of “graft” “hustle” and “grind” juxtaposed with jet set lifestyles, fast cars and designer watches or handbags. “Boss Babe” is a term that makes me be sick in my mouth a little bit if I’m honest.

The reality for entrepreneurs is it is a lonely and isolating experience sometimes and it can be hard to see the wood for the trees. The stigma attached to seeking help only exacerbates the perception of failure in the entrepreneur. “Failure is not an option” is a quote shared so often that it can feel terrifying to someone who literally has everything on the line for their dream or their passion.

This doesn’t just apply to struggling entrepreneurs either. Entrepreneurs which have experienced success can become addicted to it - I know I have this tendency! The euphoric feeling of the client saying yes, the results seen when someone implements one of my SEO coaching sessions and gets more traffic and customers to their site. It is heady and it can fuel your desire for more. When is enough enough however? When is it recognised as being unhealthy and an intervention staged? The reality is - it rarely is identified. Pop stars craving the next number one, property developers craving the next big deal, coaches landing that “level” of money. It is seen as a positive - look what they are achieving; look at the boundaries they are smashing. When inside they may be crashing and they feel like they have no one to talk to.

I admit that I can feel a loneliness in my roles as leader and entrepreneur because there isn’t anyone to temper the ideas, no shoulder to cry on when the irrational impostor syndrome kicks in. I used to feel like if I were to admit that something is wrong then people will not trust me in the same way, or they would not respect my authority on any subject. However a few things happened in 2019 have helped me to recognise that actually it is ok to seek counsel, help and advice. Here are my learnings:

1. I curated my circle. Stopped hanging out with people that made me feel inferior or that I had something to prove.

2. I started networking with likeminded people and talking. Not about the next big idea or my next strategic move, but about me and how I’m doing.

3. I introduced the Mindset Series into my online visibility membership group. Hosted by the fab Aislinn from The Calm Within, this monthly series of insights into mental health and coping mechanisms has caused lightbulb moments with my members and I appreciate the service Aislinn provides massively.

The various campaigns which have started in the last 18 months have been really encouraging when it comes to getting people talking about mental health, and aiming to address the stigma attached to seeking help (or even admitting there is a problem). This is brilliant to see but I think there needs to be a seismic shift in attitudes and our behaviour with social media before we see real progress with this issue.

The learnings I’ve shared in this post are not professionally endorsed or come with any qualification other than my own experience. I do not intend to give any official advice when it comes to mental health or wellbeing, but to share my journey and how I am approaching my own mental health.

Have you reached out to anyone lately?

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Pamela Rae-Welsh is owner and founder of Manchester website design and branding studio, Worsley Creative Services. Passionate about empowering entrepreneurs with a big business toolkit to allow them to operate at the top of their field, Pamela is also trying to practice more mindfulness and considered leadership in 2020!

Supporting Your Child's Emotional Development

A question I am often asked by parents is, “how can I help my child to manage their emotions?” Parents who bring their children to me for counselling want to know that their child can talk to someone in confidence and receive support, but also want to know how they can support their child as well. After all, therapy is often a long term intervention: there are no “quick fixes”, no over night changes. Wouldn’t it be great if I had a magic wand and could change things instantly? Sadly, I’m no fairy godmother (though the wings and wand are appealing!) But whilst therapy can take a while, parents want to know what they can do NOW - how do they help their child in the short term?

And here’s my answer …

“Be their anchor”

Being an anchor means being grounded, offering security and stability.

Here are my 6 tips for supporting your child emotionally:

Awareness:

Be aware of any changes in mood: your child becoming more tired or withdrawn for example. Or perhaps they are appearing more irritable. What is their behaviour telling you? Listen and notice changes in attitude, appetite, activities, etc. And be aware of your own responses. How are you modelling your emotional responses?

Nurture:

Make sure they are eating well and getting enough sleep. And don’t forget about yourself! Encourage your child to practise some self care and self compassion, and model it for them. Hopefully we're getting the idea of self care... A hot cup of tea, a manicure, a bubble bath, an early night or a good catch up with friends are just some ideas. But self compassion is a little bit different. It's the way we treat ourselves, speak to ourselves, think about ourselves. Do we forgive ourselves when we make a mistake? Do we speak kindly to ourselves when we are vulnerable? Think about the compassion we show our friends and family. Do we do the same for ourselves?

Communicate:

Keep talking, but also listen. Make sure you communicate, whether it’s via text or face to face. Offer cuddles, hugs and reassurance. But pick your moments: if your child is in the throes of a meltdown, give them a little space. Choose a moment when things are quieter and calmer to talk to them about what you’re noticing. Encourage family conversations, too. Try a “worst bit, best bit” activity around the dinner table (I’m a big believer in families eating together where possible) The idea is that each family member offers their worst bit of the day and their most positive. There’s no need to “fix” the worsts bits or dissect them, just listen and acknowledge. Hopefully this will give everyone the chance to feel they have a voice, but also to be aware of how everyone is feeling and to respond accordingly.

Hear them:

Be truly present when they are talking. Yes, it can be easy to lose concentration and listen with half an ear as they list their litany of woes of the day (from the supply teacher getting their name wrong, to having soggy sandwiches at lunch) but the danger of not fully being present is that you might miss the little thing they slip in, which is actually the thing they are really upset about. Practise active listening, letting them talk without jumping in, and reflect back what you’ve heard, so they know they have been heard, but also so you can help them put a name to the emotions they are expressing: “it sounds like that really embarrassed you…”

Offer:

Offer, don’t insist. If your child seems upset, angry or worried, of course you want to jump straight in and “fix it”. But sometimes they need to be able to figure things out for themselves. This is how their problem solving and resilience develop. And if you fix everything, sometimes they come away with a sense of helplessness and failure: they need to be able to manage things themselves sometimes, to develop a sense of achievement and independence. Recognise and acknowledge that you can see they are unhappy/anxious/frustrated, offer to listen and do just that: listen. Let them talk, let them figure it out. And if they can’t, then offer to help, but give them the chance to work it out first.

Relate:

Try and keep an eye on trends, music, slang that is popular amongst your child’s age group. You don’t need to join in, but just having an awareness might help you understand them better.

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Aislinn Marek is a qualified person-centred counsellor, registered with the BACP (British Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapists). She has extensive experience of working within the fields of mental health and education.

For more information about any of the topics covered, please email aislinn@thecalmwithin.co.uk

What difference can one person make?

On Thursday 23rd May 2019, I attended the Raring 2go! awards in Bury. The Elizabethan Suite at the Town Hall looked beautiful.

The way the event worked was like this: each category was announced, followed by the name of the finalists. The finalists were invited to stand and then the winner was announced. When it came to my category, I watched as each finalist was announced, and whole tables of people stood. The Calm Within was called and there I stood, just me! It may sound cliched but I did not expect to win. Here was I, a sole trader, just one person, against big companies with multiple employees.

But then the moment came: the golden envelope was opened! (Very Oscars like, I have to say!) And that was it - The Calm Within had won “Best Family Service” in Bury! I was shocked to say the least! The challenge then was to make it all the way across the room (in heels I rarely wear - think Bambi!), up the stairs and to receive my award from the lovely Jayne Deakin, smile for the camera and make my way back - without bursting into tears. For I was so emotionally overwhelmed that that’s what was likely to happen. Thank goodness we didn’t have to do speeches, or it really would have turned into the Oscars!

It was amazing to have won - to have had so many people believe that the service I offer through The Calm Within is a good one, a professional, caring and effective service. That is huge! But more than that - it’s the impact of having a Mental Health and emotional well-being service recognised as being important. It’s not a retailer, a playcentre, a restaurant. All of those things are important and I certainly nominated several, but this is about saying emotional health matters and families are recognising that they CAN access support and don’t have to struggle on alone.

Throughout the evening, people spoke to me about the award; they offered their congratulations, but more importantly, told me that, not knowing what the company was, they had googled or visited the website and had loved what they had seen. They spoke of valuing what the company is all about, and getting mental health services in the community recognised for their importance.

This is what winning the award meant to me. Yes, it is amazing to have my hard work recognised, but also getting the word out there that there is support available. That it is okay to talk about mental health and to ask for help.

And one person can make a difference. Every person that voted for me in the awards made a difference. Think about the world, how many people there are.  If we all made one small change, or did one kind act for each other or the earth, how powerful that change could be. 

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Thank you to Raring2go! Bury for the amazing reward and celebration!