Our Words Matter

I recently had the privilege of talking with Adam Glennon, the author of Why Do They Always Shout? A Dad’s Perspective. Using a creative non-fiction approach, Adam blends real life family-related experiences with a fictional prose, allowing him to explore personal topics in an often tongue-in-cheek way. The book, whilst Adam professes it to be the very antithesis of a parenting manual, does offer thought-provoking stories about many elements of parenting, from being sleep-deprived, to baby-wearing, to navigating lock-down as a parent. One theme I was particularly drawn to was Adam’s awareness of the language we use with our children, and much it can impact upon on them, as well as the importance of encouraging appropriate risk-taking and opportunities. In one of his chapters, Adam talks about the use of the words, “Be careful!” and, for me, it brought an awareness of how often I use those words, without really explaining what I actually want the children to be wary of, or how they could assess and manage risk for themselves.

Another example of the importance of how we communicate with children is discussed in the chapter, “Talking to Strangers”, which Adam has kindly agreed for me to share here.

Talking to Strangers

There are many sayings from childhood that spring to mind now I’m the parent.

“Wash behind your ears or spuds will grow there.”

Classic.

“Don’t pick your nose - your head will cave in.”

Used by every teacher at my primary school throughout the 1980s.

I guess they’re supposed to be fun, yet I can’t help but think that at the core they instil a sense of fear within a child’s easily coerced mind. You know, back from the good old days when children were to be “seen and not heard,” and it was the norm to give your kids a good smack now and again. For their own good, of course. Knowing Arlo as I do, he thinks very literally and if I said his head will cave in if he picks his nose, I reckon he’ll be discussing it in therapy for most of his adult life.

What we really want is for children, anyone, to not pick their nose while you’re trying to have a civil conversation with them. 

‘Can you stop doing that while we’re talking please?’

‘Wait a second, neeearly got it.’

Once the rooting is complete, the picker is faced with that universal decision; whether to wipe it on the furniture or roll it into a ball and flick it across the room or, option three, a popular choice with kids, eat it! I’ve witnessed a few bloody noses as a result of over enthusiastic rooting - suffered a few myself - and I’ve seen some humongous bogeys balanced on the end of proud fingers, but I have never, not once, seen a child’s head implode while doing it. Or heard of it happening to anyone.

‘Good morning, children,’ The headteacher says.

‘Gooood mooooorning, Miss.’

‘I have some terrible news. We’ve been informed that Steven Parkes from year 4, who was caught picking his nose yesterday while queuing for lunch, later suffered from a collapsed head. His parents said he’s now three inches smaller. Let this be a lesson to you all!’

Never happened.

And spuds behind the ear! Don’t get me started. I remember checking while in the bath, convinced I must have some. It’s hard to connect with the distant memory but the residue of confusion was very clear. The last thing I would have thought of doing back then was ask someone if it was true or not. Oh no. Much better to allow the thoughts to rattle around inside my brain, unchallenged, able to mutate into something much worse.

I don’t want my boys to be confused about their bodies.

Or the multi-verse either!

I remember lying on my Nana’s sheep skin rug when I was about eight, and from nowhere I was struck suddenly by one of those uncontrollable shivers that moves through your whole body. I’m eight, so I don’t give it much thought. You just accept it as another one of them weird body things no one talks about; like constipation and that crusty bit in your eye unhelpfully referred to as “sleep.”

I shivered. I accepted. I moved on.

Then…

‘That’s someone walking over your grave,’ Nana said.

Mind blown!

I was watching H.R. Pufnstuf on VHS at the time, which was weird enough, but this was next level. I don’t think a week passes without reliving that moment and linking it to my childhood curiosity of the supernatural and all things weird. Was someone walking over my grave in the past or the future? Was my Nana a time traveller? Why was someone walking over my grave anyway? Have they no respect for the dead?

My life was never the same.

Some sayings were actually quite sensible. More like instructions.

“Stop, Look, Listen and Think.”

A lifesaving instruction that was drilled into us and for good reason. But I think there’s one saying which trumps them all. It was blasted into my impressionable young mind from all directions by family members and teachers alike:

“Don’t talk to strangers.”

Right. I get it. I understand why this was promoted so fiercely. The world can be harsh. Dangerous. We know there are people out there capable of hurting children. History shows us what they are capable of. The horrific Moors murders of the 1960’s were probably still fresh in the minds of the adults of the 1980’s, which meant they were very aware of the potential dangers out there. Then in 1990 two boys abducted a toddler and the world was faced with some scary truths; suddenly, children weren’t even safe from their own. Strangers weren’t just men and women trying to entice little ones into cars with sweets anymore. Danger was everywhere.

“Don’t talk to strangers,” had never been more vital.

Scary times.

But, for me and my boys in the here and now, our days are significantly brightened by our interactions with strangers. I talk to strangers every day. Random grandads outside the supermarket. A nana on the bus. Other parents at the park or library. My boys see this and know that it’s natural to interact with others.

When we enter Stockport library, I let my boys explore. I allow a little feral. Controlled feral. Not pushing all the books off the shelves feral. There are spinning chairs in the middle of the main area and they’re lots of fun to sit on and use for imaginative play. The bookcases are perfect for playing hide and seek and chase. You’re probably reading this and thinking it doesn’t sound like suitable behaviour for a library… and you’re absolutely right. Will not argue with you on that one.

Most of the people in there tap away on keyboards, read books, and generally just ignore my kids or others with similar feral plans. Sometimes parents, like me, who are trying to offer their children freedom while respecting the right of other users to not be dribbled on or disturbed, will gravitate towards each other, discuss their feral kids, and play the who’s-had-less-sleep game. I always win.

There are so many social issues to consider while interacting with new people. I have an appreciation for a person’s personal space and their right to be left alone. There are social anxieties, cultural differences and a vast array of other reasons why a stranger may not want to interact with you or your touchy-feely kids. I explain to both boys the importance of understanding personal boundaries and how to judge through people’s facial expressions and body language whether they want to interact or not. They don’t always get it right but I try and stay alert to their movements so I can jump in before Ove climbs up on some random guy’s knee and starts rewording his emails on the library computer!

But how can they learn to relate to strangers and navigate tricky social interactions without the opportunity to practice and engage? They can’t, can they? There’s risk involved of course. Allowing them to push the boundaries may result in them receiving a telling off from someone. The interaction would then present an opportunity to explain to the boys about what had happened, how it had escalated, and how it could be avoided in the future.

And I’m sure they’d nod, pretend to understand, then do it again five minutes later.

We want to keep our children safe. But in the same breath, we don’t hide all the knives in the kitchen or put armbands on them each time we visit a park to feed the ducks. A spot of common sense is required me thinks. Instead of saying don’t talk to stranger, we tell our boys to never go anywhere, with anyone, without letting us know first. We’ve told Arlo, as gently as possible, that not everyone you meet is a good person. We’ve discussed characters in films who enjoy hurting children or animals (Cruella De Vil is a good example) and this helped to give a little context to the conversation.

There is a saying that sprung to mind recently. Something I have extensive knowledge of.

Ever heard the one about playing with your willy too much? That it’ll drop off! Guess what? Mine’s still fully attached, and I’ve been playing with it for years. I am genuinely concerned for Arlo’s well-being though. If he continues tugging on his, with an enthusiasm I’ve never witnessed before, he could be the first to lose it.

‘Dad. It came off.’

‘I didn’t think it was possible, Son. But you proved me wrong.’

‘What am I going to do now?’

‘You’re going to stop picking your nose for a start.’

(c) Adam Glennon

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To find out more about Adam’s book, the story behind it and more, have a listen to our conversation

Adam Glennon writes about his life as a parent and husband using Creative Non-fiction. Which means it's kind of true but exaggerated for effect. You can find out more about Adam, his book and his writing style over on his website or Facebook page.

Children's Mental Health Week 2021

The theme for this year’s Children’s Mental Health Week is “Express Yourself”.  Self-expression is hugely important for our mental health and emotional wellbeing.  It allows us to communicate our thoughts and feelings, share our identity, our story, our individuality.  Too often, we are influenced by others as to how we should behave, think, look, be, and feel ourselves falling into the comparison trap, or feel we are restricted, have to hide or suppress our true selves, so encouraging our children to be themselves is essential for their well-being.  Empowering them to be their true, authentic selves is one of the best gifts we can give them.   

Around three children in every primary school class has a mental health problem, and many more struggle with challenges from bullying to bereavement.

We know that children are struggling with their mental health, and statistics like this are far too high. Supporting children’s mental health isn’t only about reacting to those who are already struggling: we need to be proactive in building good mental health for all our children. We can do this through teaching our children about mental health, helping them to recognise stress and anxiety and how to regulate those feelings. We can give children a sense of belonging and validation, giving them positive attention and affirmation, boosting their self-esteem and self-confidence. Role modelling emotional regulation and positive coping strategies also helps teach our children how to have positive mental health.

But back to this week’s focus! In terms of supporting your child with expressing themselves, firstly, it’s helpful to remember that our children are expressing themselves all the time, but not necessarily in words, or the words we want to hear!  Try and hold in mind that behaviour is always trying telling us something: try and listen to the message behind the behaviour, and the needs your child is trying to communicate to you.  Let them know you have heard them, and try and give them the words they need, through modelling use of emotional language, or help them to explore expression through creativity.

“This year’s Children’s Mental Health Week is all about expressing yourself – about finding creative ways in which to share your thoughts, ideas and feelings. So whether that’s through photography, through art, through drama, through music or poetry – it’s finding those things that makes you feel good about yourself.”

— The Duchess Of Cambridge

If you are thinking about how to engage your child in an activity which helps them express themselves, reflect on what has already engaged them.  What are they already interested in or passionate about?  Take some time to talk about these with your child – praise their efforts, notice their creativity and let them know you have noticed.  Perhaps they have been spending a lot of time creating with Lego, or building a world on Minecraft, baking, making jewellery, designing outfits, taking photos, writing stories, role-playing with their toys, or finding creative games to play with their football.  Whatever it is, take the time to notice and encourage them. It can be tricky, if their passion is something you know nothing about, or have no interest in yourself, but taking the time to educate yourself, or ask your child to share their interest with you is definitely worth it, in terms of building your bond and encouraging their self-expression.

If your child is feeling a bit stuck, consider trying something new together – there are so many video tutorials and programmes that you could watch and be inspired by.  Or if you are feeling stuck yourself, why not ask a grandparent, friend or family member to help you out and lead a video session?  It’s a great way of connecting with each other when we can’t physically get together. And perhaps check out what is on offer in the community: choirs, orchestras, drama groups, art classes (activities may well remain online for now, but can still be a great way to develop your child’s imagination, social skills and self-expression).

Perhaps most importantly, please do remember that none of this is designed to put pressure on you or your child (there is far too much of that around!) You don’t have to be the best at something: this is about helping your child find their voice, share their thoughts and feelings, so they don’t get bottled up and become overwhelming. And it might help you, too! So, sing your heart out, even if you’re off key and forget the words! Write a poem, knit a scarf, give your Dad a makeover, paint a picture, roll a Dungeons & Dragons’ character, create a tik-tok, bake a show-stopper - however you choose to do it, express yourself! (Cue me singing along to Madonna!)

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As always, if you are concerned about your child’s emotional well-being, please do seek support from their health visitor, school nurse or GP.

Aislinn Marek is a qualified person-centred counsellor, registered with the BACP. She has worked within the NHS, education and private practice for many years, and is passionate about supporting people of all ages with their mental health.

How Can You Make "Back To School" Less Stressful?

Returning to school can be a difficult time for children and their parents.  It’s a transition that some find stressful, which is completely understandable: it can mean changes to routine, less time with parents or siblings, less freedom and more structure, more expectations and a degree of uncertainty. 

But there are things you can do to help your child feel more secure in managing this transition, and to help you both feel more calm and in control.

1. Normalise it

I am a big advocate of the idea of “name it to tame it”.  If you help your child to recognise that what they are experiencing is anxiety, and talk about it, it will help them to feel more in control.  Give them the emotional vocabulary to voice their feelings: “I can see you are unsettled. I wonder if that is because you are feeling a bit nervous/worried/anxious?” Let them know that anxiety or worry is okay, not something to be scared of: give them permission to feel it.  It is our brain and body’s way of letting us know that something is happening we are a bit unsure about.  Talk with them about their worries: what is it about returning to school that gives them that wobbly feeling?

2. Control

Look at those worries and think about which ones you can control, and which ones you can’t (this is useful exercise to do for yourself as well.  If it feels appropriate, make it a joint activity).  If they are worried about being on time in the morning, help them think about what they can do to manage this: have your bag packed the night before, make sure your alarm is set, etc.  With worries you can control, make an action list.  Again, this can help them (and you), feel empowered to make the changes or take the actions you need to. 

The worries you can’t control are a little more tricky, but help them think about how they can let those go and focus on the things they are in control of.  For example, a common worry is about friendships:

“Will X still be my friend?”

“What if no one wants to play with me?”

Help your child to remember that we cannot control other people’s actions, words, feelings, but we can choose how we behave and the words we choose to speak.

Are the worries things we can do something about?  If so, take action!  If not, if they are “what ifs”, then use distraction! Try and focus on something else, rather than expending energy on things you cannot control.

3. Plan and prepare

This one is mainly for you, but you can involve your children.  Feeling in control of the practical stuff really helps.  So if you often feel that mornings are a rush, or you recognise that trying to find those forms, reading books or PE kit is a trigger for you, think about how you can organise yourself.  There are lots of ideas out there for organisation stations, keeping track of essential things, and helping you feel more “with it!” The important thing is to find a system that works for you and your family.

4. Physical Health

Getting the right amount of good quality sleep, having a nutritious breakfast, and building your immune system are all crucial to helping you regulate your emotions.  If you are tired, hungry and run down, chances are you will feel more vulnerable to stress. This goes for you and your children!

5. Balanced View

Whilst its easy to get drawn into the worries, doom and gloom, try and encourage your child to keep a balanced view. It’s important to acknowledge their worries and not be dismissive with a, “don’t be silly” or “don’t worry about it”. Their thoughts and feelings are important and should be validated. However, at the same time, try and get them to have perspective and recognise the things they are looking forward to, the things they will enjoy. What are they studying this term that they will be interested in? This isn’t putting a “positive spin” on things or discounting the worries, but being clear and balanced and acknowledging the good.

6. Regulation

Spend some time with your child practicing ways of regulating your emotions: deep breathing exercises, affirmations, stretches and using grounding strategies are all beneficial techniques to practice.  Remember that the more you practice, the more effective these strategies will be.  Practice on a regular basis, when you are feeling calm, and you’ll find that when you need to use them in times of anxiety, it will be much easier to reach for them.

7. Transitional Objects

Transitional objects can be used to help children feel more secure in times of change. Whilst younger children may have comforters such as a security blanket or teddy, older children can use objects such as a comfort stone in their pocket. Holding or rubbing the stone may help them feel grounded, give sensory input and a psychological reminder of their primary caregiver if it has a message, for example. The idea is to create a link between home and school/nursery, so they feel safe and secure.

8. After School

When they get home, try not to bombard your children with questions about how their day went. Create a calm setting for them - feed them (they won't have had the eleventy billion snacks they've been used to over the summer, and they will have expended a lot of energy), give them some space but let them know you are there when they are ready to talk.

Perhaps ask what was the favourite thing about the day or what they played with their friends. Asking questions like, "what did you do today?" are likely to be met with the response, "I don't know" or "I forgot"!

And if they have a meltdown because they have been trying to hold it together all day, don't feel you have to "fix it". Just be there, hold them if they need it/will let you. Sit with them and let them know you have got them.

9. Reward

Plan something fun for when they get home.  A hot chocolate or their favourite thing for dinner.  Maybe an extra story that night, a family board game or walk, or a little longer on their favourite video game (assuming homework has been done, of course!)  Recognising that they have done something as brave as go to school and engage, when they were anxious, is really important for building their self-esteem.  They have acknowledged their anxiety, faced it and been determined, so that should be rewarded!  And don’t forget yourself!

10. Communicate with school

If your child is particularly anxious about school, try and talk to their school about it.  Many children will hide their anxiety at school: they can be distressed and emotionally aroused at home but once they walk through the magical school gates, the mask comes on and they present as well-behaved, confident pupils.  But keeping up the pretence is exhausting, and that’s when we often see the meltdown at home.  Talk to school and see if they can have a quick check-in with your child on arrival.  Using those calming strategies throughout the day helps them to regulate.  Being proactive about supporting a child’s emotional difficulties is much more effective and much more beneficial to the child, than reacting to when they have become overwhelmed.

FURTHER READING

The following are books that I often recommend to parents and carers, for support with separation anxiety. I am not affiliated with them, I’ve just found them to be beneficial.

• The Invisible String by Patrice Karst

• The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn

I also stock a variety of books and CDs from Relax Kids. I particularly recommend the A Monster Handbook, which helps children feel more in control of their difficult emotions, such as anxiety.

Relax Kids have a free pack to download, for parents and teachers, with ideas for helping make your back to school experience a calm one.

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If you are concerned about your child’s emotional well-being, please do seek support from their health visitor, school nurse or GP. Each child is an individual and should be treated as such.

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Aislinn Marek is a qualified person-centred counsellor, registered with the BACP. She has worked within the NHS, education and private practice for many years, and is passionate about supporting people of all ages with their mental health.

Ten Ways To Calm An Anxious Child

“How do I calm my anxious child?”, is a question so many parents want answering. To see your child in distress, unable to speak, withdrawing from friendships, activities, or refusing to go to school, can be heartbreaking, and often parents feel helpless. And because anxiety is often masked by anger, it can be hard to identify or empathise with. When your child is shouting or hitting out, because they are overwhelmed by feelings of anxiety that they cannot control, it can be tricky to see the anxiety beneath, and to stay calm yourself.

Here are my top ten suggestions for helping your anxious child feel calmer (you might find they help you, too!)

1. Recognise

   The first key is recognising that what your child is experiencing is anxiety. Often anxiety wears a disguise and it can be hard to see the emotion through the behaviour. Some signs to look for are: changes in appetite, disturbed sleep or difficulty settling to sleep, complaining of tummy aches or being unwell, frequently needing the toilet, being tense or fidgety, struggling to focus or concentrate, becoming irritable or angry, crying frequently or seeming clingy. Help your child to recognise that what they are experiencing is anxiety: simply by naming it, they often feel more in control.

2. Rescue

   Imagine your child is swimming in the sea and starts drowning: you wouldn’t stand on the beach and shout instructions, you’d be in there, grabbing hold and pulling them out. In the same way, when your child is in the midst of an anxiety attack or appears overwhelmed, step in and help them. The time for teaching them techniques is when they are calm and settled and able to take on board what you are teaching them.

3. Just Be

   You are stressed, overwhelmed, incapacitated by anxiety and someone is asking you questions, asking you to use logic and thought, to put your jumbled up thoughts and feelings into a coherent sentence. Sounds tricky? That’s how your child is feeling. Allow them to just be: reassure them that the panicky feeling will pass, and that you are there with them. Try not to make too many expectations of them whilst they are in the midst of an anxiety attack. We want to “fix it”, but sometimes we need to take a step back and let the anxiety wave run its course.

4. Breathe

   Helping your child to regulate their breathing can help them to reset their nervous system and feel calmer. You can try and encourage your child to engage in breathing exercises, but if they are too overwhelmed to listen and actively participate, sit with them and regulate your breathing, and their breathing will gradually sync with yours. Sit with your child’s back to your chest and allow your breathing to set the pace for theirs. Try using bubbles to help your child control their breathing.

5. Touch

   Using touch can be highly effective in reducing anxiety and calming the nervous system. We often use touch instinctively to help calm our children: rubbing their back, squeezing their hand in reassurance, stroking their head, etc. You can find out more about the importance of touch in a previous blog post.

6. Lengthen

   When we are anxious, we may tend to curl up, almost as if we are trying to make ourselves invisible. By lengthening ourselves, rolling the shoulders back, opening up the chest, stretching out the fingers, etc, we are releasing the tension in the body, allowing our bodies and brains to feel calmer, more relaxed.

7. Listen

   When your child is talking to you about the things that worry them, listen. Whilst their worries may seem small, silly, illogical or insignificant to you, they are very real to your child. You don’t have to “fix” their problems, or find an answer to their worries: often, just reassuring them that you are there and listening to them will be enough to help them feel secure, heard and empowered to either take action or let the worry go. If you want to explore more about helping your child build their resilience and stand on their own two feet, have a read of this blog.

8. Normalise

   Let your child know that it is normal and okay to worry about things. Having a sense of caution is vital to our survival: if we weren’t concerned about being run over, we would walk blindly into the road without checking for cars, for example. We take out insurance, use passwords and PINs, caution our children against talking to strangers, etc. And when we worry about something, it indicates a sense of importance: if I am worrying about an upcoming test, it is because I want to do well, the results are important to me. Worrying is normal and natural: the issue is when the worries become too big for us to manage, begin to impact on our daily lives, or cause us to feel unwell.

9. Long term plan

   When your child is feeling calm and settled, help them to think about how they manage feelings of anxiety. If they regularly practise breathing techniques, use grounding techniques, use calming self-talk, these strategies can start to take effect and become a more instinctive way of responding to anxiety. It’s important, too, to think about the causes of anxiety and to help your child make an action plan: are these things that are within their control, or negative thoughts, “what ifs”, that they need support in letting go of?

10. Practise

    As with anything we want our children to be proficient at, it is important to practice the strategies on a regular basis. Try and build affirmations, stretches, breathing techniques into your daily routine. Find ways of offering your child space to talk on a regular basis, not just when a difficulty pops up.

11. Reward

    I know I said ten, but here’s your bonus tip! Reward your child when they have managed their anxiety well. Help them to recognise when they have handled an anxiety-provoking situation in a calm and confident manner, and give them praise for this. This can help them to feel more confident in their ability to manage those tricky emotions, but also they will know you have noticed them and the positive attention can work wonders.

Further reading

The following are books that I often recommend to parents and carers. I am not affiliated with any of them, I’ve just found them to be beneficial.

• Little Meerkat's Big Panic: A Story About Learning New Ways to Feel Calm by Jane Evans

• What To Do When You Worry Too Much: A Kid's Guide To Overcoming Anxiety by Dawn Huebner

• The Huge Bag Of Worries by Virginia Ironside

• Worries Go Away! by Kes Gray

I also stock a variety of books and CDs from Relax Kids. I particularly recommend the A Monster Handbook, which helps children feel more in control of their difficult emotions, such as anxiety.

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Aislinn Marek is a qualified person-centred counsellor, registered with the BACP. She has worked within the NHS, education and private practice for many years, and is passionate about supporting people with their mental health.

If you are concerned about your child’s emotional well-being, please do seek support from their health visitor, school nurse or GP. Each child is an individual and should be treated as such.

Image credit: Jo Bishop Photography

Supporting Your Child's Emotional Development

A question I am often asked by parents is, “how can I help my child to manage their emotions?” Parents who bring their children to me for counselling want to know that their child can talk to someone in confidence and receive support, but also want to know how they can support their child as well. After all, therapy is often a long term intervention: there are no “quick fixes”, no over night changes. Wouldn’t it be great if I had a magic wand and could change things instantly? Sadly, I’m no fairy godmother (though the wings and wand are appealing!) But whilst therapy can take a while, parents want to know what they can do NOW - how do they help their child in the short term?

And here’s my answer …

“Be their anchor”

Being an anchor means being grounded, offering security and stability.

Here are my 6 tips for supporting your child emotionally:

Awareness:

Be aware of any changes in mood: your child becoming more tired or withdrawn for example. Or perhaps they are appearing more irritable. What is their behaviour telling you? Listen and notice changes in attitude, appetite, activities, etc. And be aware of your own responses. How are you modelling your emotional responses?

Nurture:

Make sure they are eating well and getting enough sleep. And don’t forget about yourself! Encourage your child to practise some self care and self compassion, and model it for them. Hopefully we're getting the idea of self care... A hot cup of tea, a manicure, a bubble bath, an early night or a good catch up with friends are just some ideas. But self compassion is a little bit different. It's the way we treat ourselves, speak to ourselves, think about ourselves. Do we forgive ourselves when we make a mistake? Do we speak kindly to ourselves when we are vulnerable? Think about the compassion we show our friends and family. Do we do the same for ourselves?

Communicate:

Keep talking, but also listen. Make sure you communicate, whether it’s via text or face to face. Offer cuddles, hugs and reassurance. But pick your moments: if your child is in the throes of a meltdown, give them a little space. Choose a moment when things are quieter and calmer to talk to them about what you’re noticing. Encourage family conversations, too. Try a “worst bit, best bit” activity around the dinner table (I’m a big believer in families eating together where possible) The idea is that each family member offers their worst bit of the day and their most positive. There’s no need to “fix” the worsts bits or dissect them, just listen and acknowledge. Hopefully this will give everyone the chance to feel they have a voice, but also to be aware of how everyone is feeling and to respond accordingly.

Hear them:

Be truly present when they are talking. Yes, it can be easy to lose concentration and listen with half an ear as they list their litany of woes of the day (from the supply teacher getting their name wrong, to having soggy sandwiches at lunch) but the danger of not fully being present is that you might miss the little thing they slip in, which is actually the thing they are really upset about. Practise active listening, letting them talk without jumping in, and reflect back what you’ve heard, so they know they have been heard, but also so you can help them put a name to the emotions they are expressing: “it sounds like that really embarrassed you…”

Offer:

Offer, don’t insist. If your child seems upset, angry or worried, of course you want to jump straight in and “fix it”. But sometimes they need to be able to figure things out for themselves. This is how their problem solving and resilience develop. And if you fix everything, sometimes they come away with a sense of helplessness and failure: they need to be able to manage things themselves sometimes, to develop a sense of achievement and independence. Recognise and acknowledge that you can see they are unhappy/anxious/frustrated, offer to listen and do just that: listen. Let them talk, let them figure it out. And if they can’t, then offer to help, but give them the chance to work it out first.

Relate:

Try and keep an eye on trends, music, slang that is popular amongst your child’s age group. You don’t need to join in, but just having an awareness might help you understand them better.

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Aislinn Marek is a qualified person-centred counsellor, registered with the BACP (British Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapists). She has extensive experience of working within the fields of mental health and education.

For more information about any of the topics covered, please email aislinn@thecalmwithin.co.uk

Standing On Their Own Two Feet

When it comes to our children, too often we find it hard to allow them to stand on their own two feet. Instead, we hold their hands, we reach for our toolbox or our magic wands and try and make the problems they face go away.

But what are we really teaching them? Are we, in fact, helping them at all?

As parents, we often get drawn into the trap of feeling as though we need to rescue our children, protect them from hurt, disappointment, fear or rejection. And yet experiencing these emotions is what helps to shape their resilience and increase their strength. Their experiences contribute to their resilience, helping them become more self-reliant, more independent. To take these experiences away, to “shield” them, can often be counter-productive. By jumping in and trying to fix everything, solve their problems, take their hurt away, we are often denying them the very experiences they need in order to grow. And all too often, we leave them with the message that they are not capable of doing it themselves; that we can do it better than them.

So I invite you to step back, put the “toolbox” or the “magic wand” down and allow them to feel, to problem solve, to think for themselves, to fight their own battles and develop their resilience. Here are a few suggestions as to how this can be done.

1. Be a supporter and teacher, not a rescuer. Children need to have secure relationships; they need to know that they have someone in their corner. Often, they need picking up and reassuring. Yet, it’s important that we allow our children to make their mistakes, that we encourage them to step out of their comfort zone and find their own solutions. Try not to fight their battles for them. By all means be there to step up if their voice is not being heard, or if the situation is out of their control, but allow them the opportunity to try to manage it themselves first. Be the back up, not the front runner. Be there, listen, and acknowledge them. Try not to dismiss their fears or worries. Help them problem solve, and find a solution that works, but don’t be tempted to solve their problems for them. Help them to overcome their challenges by themselves. The grin on their face as they experience a sense of achievement and confidence will be worth it.

2. Encourage them to try new things, give them responsibilities and develop their independence with age appropriate opportunities, e.g. being responsible for putting their clothes away, ordering their own food at a restaurant, dressing themselves or feeding themselves (no matter how long it takes or how messy it gets!) climbing rocks and trees, using knives to help prepare food. Try not to take away their independence by doing things for them that they are capable of. It may be quicker, easier, less messy for you to do it, but you are teaching them that you can do it better. Similarly, you cannot eliminate all risk. Allow appropriate risk taking, and let them learn essential skills. They need to be able to trust their own judgement, and feel a sense of achievement and pride.

3. Model and teach emotional regulation. When our children are hurt, we want to take that hurt away and “make it better”. But actually, it is more beneficial to help them recognise, acknowledge and experience their true emotions, rather than giving the message that it is in some way bad or wrong to feel upset or angry. Suppressing their emotions, pushing them away, will only led to bigger problems. Sit with them and listen to them. Don’t try to fix it. Just be there. In this way, they will learn how to cope with disappointment, failure, upset and rejection, rather than see it as something to fear, or something which they cannot regulate or control.

4. Keep expectations realistic. If our expectations are too low, children will easily meet them and not experience the importance of overcoming challenges. Equally, too high an expectation means setting them up to fail. Try not to put too much pressure on them, reminding yourself of their age and capabilities.

5. Let them experience failure, disappointment and make mistakes. All too often, we try and make that piece of homework perfect, nag them to practise their musical instrument or dance steps. We want them to succeed. But are we teaching them about consequences? Whose responsibility is it? Failure is not the end of the world. It allows us to see our mistakes, experience consequences and make our own choices. Similarly, we try and make everything “fair”. We ensure all the children at the party win a prize, for example (Pass the Parcel has certainly changed since I was young!). But what does this teach them about being resilient?

6. Let them experience being bored, not getting what they want, putting others before themselves, not getting the “quick fix”. We frequently try and meet all our children’s wants and needs immediately. We provide entertainment when they may have to wait for something e.g. an appointment, waiting for their meal to be served, etc. We want to give them the things they want for birthdays, Christmas, in the supermarket, even if this means be in debt. We give them a quick snack or convenience food because we don’t want them to have to wait (they may get “hangry” and act out!) But we are denying them the chance to learn to be patient, to have to wait, to realise that they will not always get everything they want even if “everyone else has one”. Remember to praise them for being patient, for being grateful for what they have.

7. Praise their effort and hard work, rather than the end result. If they have worked hard to overcome a challenge, or have had to repeat a test over and over before getting it right, acknowledge their achievement, courage and resiliency. Encourage a growth mindset: to fail helps us learn and grow; we get better with practice; see other peoples’ accomplishments as inspirational rather than as competition.

8. Let them know it’s okay to ask for help. As much as I advocate encouraging independence and self-reliance, I also believe it is important that children know that asking for help isn’t weak or failing; it is brave and strong to know your limits, to know when you need support.

9. Model resiliency. Our children watch us - all the time. They want to be like us, to imitate us. Show them that you, too, feel disappointment, experience failure and upset. But that it can be managed. It will pass. We will grow stronger from overcoming our challenges. Normalise these experiences and emotions for them.

10. See them. Really notice them: their qualities, their strengths, their unique personalities. Help them to see these things, too. Tell them you are proud of them, their courage, determination, kindness and thoughtfulness. Building their self-esteem and confidence will help them to be brave, to step out of their comfort zone, risk failure. Because they know that they are special, loved, worthy.

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If you would like more information about helping your child with their emotions, please do see the Relax Kids page or email aislinn@thecalmwithin.co.uk