Children's Mental Health Week 2021

The theme for this year’s Children’s Mental Health Week is “Express Yourself”.  Self-expression is hugely important for our mental health and emotional wellbeing.  It allows us to communicate our thoughts and feelings, share our identity, our story, our individuality.  Too often, we are influenced by others as to how we should behave, think, look, be, and feel ourselves falling into the comparison trap, or feel we are restricted, have to hide or suppress our true selves, so encouraging our children to be themselves is essential for their well-being.  Empowering them to be their true, authentic selves is one of the best gifts we can give them.   

Around three children in every primary school class has a mental health problem, and many more struggle with challenges from bullying to bereavement.

We know that children are struggling with their mental health, and statistics like this are far too high. Supporting children’s mental health isn’t only about reacting to those who are already struggling: we need to be proactive in building good mental health for all our children. We can do this through teaching our children about mental health, helping them to recognise stress and anxiety and how to regulate those feelings. We can give children a sense of belonging and validation, giving them positive attention and affirmation, boosting their self-esteem and self-confidence. Role modelling emotional regulation and positive coping strategies also helps teach our children how to have positive mental health.

But back to this week’s focus! In terms of supporting your child with expressing themselves, firstly, it’s helpful to remember that our children are expressing themselves all the time, but not necessarily in words, or the words we want to hear!  Try and hold in mind that behaviour is always trying telling us something: try and listen to the message behind the behaviour, and the needs your child is trying to communicate to you.  Let them know you have heard them, and try and give them the words they need, through modelling use of emotional language, or help them to explore expression through creativity.

“This year’s Children’s Mental Health Week is all about expressing yourself – about finding creative ways in which to share your thoughts, ideas and feelings. So whether that’s through photography, through art, through drama, through music or poetry – it’s finding those things that makes you feel good about yourself.”

— The Duchess Of Cambridge

If you are thinking about how to engage your child in an activity which helps them express themselves, reflect on what has already engaged them.  What are they already interested in or passionate about?  Take some time to talk about these with your child – praise their efforts, notice their creativity and let them know you have noticed.  Perhaps they have been spending a lot of time creating with Lego, or building a world on Minecraft, baking, making jewellery, designing outfits, taking photos, writing stories, role-playing with their toys, or finding creative games to play with their football.  Whatever it is, take the time to notice and encourage them. It can be tricky, if their passion is something you know nothing about, or have no interest in yourself, but taking the time to educate yourself, or ask your child to share their interest with you is definitely worth it, in terms of building your bond and encouraging their self-expression.

If your child is feeling a bit stuck, consider trying something new together – there are so many video tutorials and programmes that you could watch and be inspired by.  Or if you are feeling stuck yourself, why not ask a grandparent, friend or family member to help you out and lead a video session?  It’s a great way of connecting with each other when we can’t physically get together. And perhaps check out what is on offer in the community: choirs, orchestras, drama groups, art classes (activities may well remain online for now, but can still be a great way to develop your child’s imagination, social skills and self-expression).

Perhaps most importantly, please do remember that none of this is designed to put pressure on you or your child (there is far too much of that around!) You don’t have to be the best at something: this is about helping your child find their voice, share their thoughts and feelings, so they don’t get bottled up and become overwhelming. And it might help you, too! So, sing your heart out, even if you’re off key and forget the words! Write a poem, knit a scarf, give your Dad a makeover, paint a picture, roll a Dungeons & Dragons’ character, create a tik-tok, bake a show-stopper - however you choose to do it, express yourself! (Cue me singing along to Madonna!)

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As always, if you are concerned about your child’s emotional well-being, please do seek support from their health visitor, school nurse or GP.

Aislinn Marek is a qualified person-centred counsellor, registered with the BACP. She has worked within the NHS, education and private practice for many years, and is passionate about supporting people of all ages with their mental health.

How Can You Make "Back To School" Less Stressful?

Returning to school can be a difficult time for children and their parents.  It’s a transition that some find stressful, which is completely understandable: it can mean changes to routine, less time with parents or siblings, less freedom and more structure, more expectations and a degree of uncertainty. 

But there are things you can do to help your child feel more secure in managing this transition, and to help you both feel more calm and in control.

1. Normalise it

I am a big advocate of the idea of “name it to tame it”.  If you help your child to recognise that what they are experiencing is anxiety, and talk about it, it will help them to feel more in control.  Give them the emotional vocabulary to voice their feelings: “I can see you are unsettled. I wonder if that is because you are feeling a bit nervous/worried/anxious?” Let them know that anxiety or worry is okay, not something to be scared of: give them permission to feel it.  It is our brain and body’s way of letting us know that something is happening we are a bit unsure about.  Talk with them about their worries: what is it about returning to school that gives them that wobbly feeling?

2. Control

Look at those worries and think about which ones you can control, and which ones you can’t (this is useful exercise to do for yourself as well.  If it feels appropriate, make it a joint activity).  If they are worried about being on time in the morning, help them think about what they can do to manage this: have your bag packed the night before, make sure your alarm is set, etc.  With worries you can control, make an action list.  Again, this can help them (and you), feel empowered to make the changes or take the actions you need to. 

The worries you can’t control are a little more tricky, but help them think about how they can let those go and focus on the things they are in control of.  For example, a common worry is about friendships:

“Will X still be my friend?”

“What if no one wants to play with me?”

Help your child to remember that we cannot control other people’s actions, words, feelings, but we can choose how we behave and the words we choose to speak.

Are the worries things we can do something about?  If so, take action!  If not, if they are “what ifs”, then use distraction! Try and focus on something else, rather than expending energy on things you cannot control.

3. Plan and prepare

This one is mainly for you, but you can involve your children.  Feeling in control of the practical stuff really helps.  So if you often feel that mornings are a rush, or you recognise that trying to find those forms, reading books or PE kit is a trigger for you, think about how you can organise yourself.  There are lots of ideas out there for organisation stations, keeping track of essential things, and helping you feel more “with it!” The important thing is to find a system that works for you and your family.

4. Physical Health

Getting the right amount of good quality sleep, having a nutritious breakfast, and building your immune system are all crucial to helping you regulate your emotions.  If you are tired, hungry and run down, chances are you will feel more vulnerable to stress. This goes for you and your children!

5. Balanced View

Whilst its easy to get drawn into the worries, doom and gloom, try and encourage your child to keep a balanced view. It’s important to acknowledge their worries and not be dismissive with a, “don’t be silly” or “don’t worry about it”. Their thoughts and feelings are important and should be validated. However, at the same time, try and get them to have perspective and recognise the things they are looking forward to, the things they will enjoy. What are they studying this term that they will be interested in? This isn’t putting a “positive spin” on things or discounting the worries, but being clear and balanced and acknowledging the good.

6. Regulation

Spend some time with your child practicing ways of regulating your emotions: deep breathing exercises, affirmations, stretches and using grounding strategies are all beneficial techniques to practice.  Remember that the more you practice, the more effective these strategies will be.  Practice on a regular basis, when you are feeling calm, and you’ll find that when you need to use them in times of anxiety, it will be much easier to reach for them.

7. Transitional Objects

Transitional objects can be used to help children feel more secure in times of change. Whilst younger children may have comforters such as a security blanket or teddy, older children can use objects such as a comfort stone in their pocket. Holding or rubbing the stone may help them feel grounded, give sensory input and a psychological reminder of their primary caregiver if it has a message, for example. The idea is to create a link between home and school/nursery, so they feel safe and secure.

8. After School

When they get home, try not to bombard your children with questions about how their day went. Create a calm setting for them - feed them (they won't have had the eleventy billion snacks they've been used to over the summer, and they will have expended a lot of energy), give them some space but let them know you are there when they are ready to talk.

Perhaps ask what was the favourite thing about the day or what they played with their friends. Asking questions like, "what did you do today?" are likely to be met with the response, "I don't know" or "I forgot"!

And if they have a meltdown because they have been trying to hold it together all day, don't feel you have to "fix it". Just be there, hold them if they need it/will let you. Sit with them and let them know you have got them.

9. Reward

Plan something fun for when they get home.  A hot chocolate or their favourite thing for dinner.  Maybe an extra story that night, a family board game or walk, or a little longer on their favourite video game (assuming homework has been done, of course!)  Recognising that they have done something as brave as go to school and engage, when they were anxious, is really important for building their self-esteem.  They have acknowledged their anxiety, faced it and been determined, so that should be rewarded!  And don’t forget yourself!

10. Communicate with school

If your child is particularly anxious about school, try and talk to their school about it.  Many children will hide their anxiety at school: they can be distressed and emotionally aroused at home but once they walk through the magical school gates, the mask comes on and they present as well-behaved, confident pupils.  But keeping up the pretence is exhausting, and that’s when we often see the meltdown at home.  Talk to school and see if they can have a quick check-in with your child on arrival.  Using those calming strategies throughout the day helps them to regulate.  Being proactive about supporting a child’s emotional difficulties is much more effective and much more beneficial to the child, than reacting to when they have become overwhelmed.

FURTHER READING

The following are books that I often recommend to parents and carers, for support with separation anxiety. I am not affiliated with them, I’ve just found them to be beneficial.

• The Invisible String by Patrice Karst

• The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn

I also stock a variety of books and CDs from Relax Kids. I particularly recommend the A Monster Handbook, which helps children feel more in control of their difficult emotions, such as anxiety.

Relax Kids have a free pack to download, for parents and teachers, with ideas for helping make your back to school experience a calm one.

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If you are concerned about your child’s emotional well-being, please do seek support from their health visitor, school nurse or GP. Each child is an individual and should be treated as such.

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Aislinn Marek is a qualified person-centred counsellor, registered with the BACP. She has worked within the NHS, education and private practice for many years, and is passionate about supporting people of all ages with their mental health.

Mindfulness And Children

Mindfulness for children is a big area of interest at the moment and I love helping people cultivate their own mindfulness practices, whether it be through a nursery programme, school classes, or in individual, personal work. It can be a tricky concept to understand and implement for adults, let alone children, so how can it be done?

Nicola, at Iris Dares, has some inspirational ideas.

“Mindfulness is something I was introduced to as an addiction therapist pre-kids and pre-career change. I have to admit – I was initially sceptical. As a person with a VERY busy mind, who never relaxes and always has to be busy, taking time out to just ‘be’, to reflect and think ‘in the moment’ – was quite alien to me. I couldn’t do that surely! I’m an action person, so taking time out, time I could be ‘doing’ something – madness! But it’s actually the best practice I have come to do weekly for myself, but I enjoy daily with my kids. If I’m a convert – you will be too!

So what IS mindfulness? Mindfulness means having quiet time, time with our thoughts moment-by-moment, being aware of our bodies, our environment, it’s about being in the present, relaxing, and letting go of other thoughts.

Now, how the hell are you meant to teach this to kids? To little crazy, living on the edge, constantly moving little creatures!? Well firstly, kids already are one step ahead as they already live in the moment. There is little future thinking or planning, and little harking over the past, so they are prime and ready for some chill out time and mindfulness.

It’s also super fun and easier than you think to teach kids mindfulness. You can be creative, and as long as you are engaging – kids will love it, and it encourages closeness and openness – which they will also adore.

• Find a quiet spot, a comfy pillow or beanbag. And turn off all your screens!

• Start by asking the children to notice their breath. How it feels… how they feel physically, is it fast or slow, hot or cold? How do they feel? Happy? Sad? Angry? 

• Have the children place their hands on their chests and feel their chest rise up and down,  and put their hands over their mouths and feel the breath leave their body. Ask them how they feel.

• Ask them to try breathing slllooowwwwly, and then quickly. What are the differences in how it makes them feel?

• As you can see, it’s all about getting children in touch with how they feel both physically and mentally.

Kids also love visual cues, so something like Worry Wands gives kids something tactile to touch, focus on, and can help reduce a child’s anxiety. It can be a good gateway to open conversations, alleviate stress and find a focus to let go of things that have been worrying. They have affirmation ribbons that can be added or taken way, depending on what you are focusing on and talking about. They can also be used as a mindfulness breathing wand, too. Kids can blow on the ribbons, see how they move, how they have control over their own environment.

It’s a great way to bond with your child, to take time out of our busy lifestyles, busy days, away from screens and noise and just be you and your child, learning about each other. I love it now, and it’s also a brilliant way to wind down kids before bed!

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Nicola is a busy single mum of 2 girls, 2 guinea pigs and 4 fish. She lives in Newcastle, is a staunch advocate of girls and women’s rights and wants to get the message out that GIRLS CAN, and should be able to wear and be who they want to be. She owns www.irisdaresdesigns.co.uk selling feminine and fabulous girls dresses, capes, bags and wands to parents who want their girls to be confident, happy and fabulous.

Ten Ways To Calm An Anxious Child

“How do I calm my anxious child?”, is a question so many parents want answering. To see your child in distress, unable to speak, withdrawing from friendships, activities, or refusing to go to school, can be heartbreaking, and often parents feel helpless. And because anxiety is often masked by anger, it can be hard to identify or empathise with. When your child is shouting or hitting out, because they are overwhelmed by feelings of anxiety that they cannot control, it can be tricky to see the anxiety beneath, and to stay calm yourself.

Here are my top ten suggestions for helping your anxious child feel calmer (you might find they help you, too!)

1. Recognise

   The first key is recognising that what your child is experiencing is anxiety. Often anxiety wears a disguise and it can be hard to see the emotion through the behaviour. Some signs to look for are: changes in appetite, disturbed sleep or difficulty settling to sleep, complaining of tummy aches or being unwell, frequently needing the toilet, being tense or fidgety, struggling to focus or concentrate, becoming irritable or angry, crying frequently or seeming clingy. Help your child to recognise that what they are experiencing is anxiety: simply by naming it, they often feel more in control.

2. Rescue

   Imagine your child is swimming in the sea and starts drowning: you wouldn’t stand on the beach and shout instructions, you’d be in there, grabbing hold and pulling them out. In the same way, when your child is in the midst of an anxiety attack or appears overwhelmed, step in and help them. The time for teaching them techniques is when they are calm and settled and able to take on board what you are teaching them.

3. Just Be

   You are stressed, overwhelmed, incapacitated by anxiety and someone is asking you questions, asking you to use logic and thought, to put your jumbled up thoughts and feelings into a coherent sentence. Sounds tricky? That’s how your child is feeling. Allow them to just be: reassure them that the panicky feeling will pass, and that you are there with them. Try not to make too many expectations of them whilst they are in the midst of an anxiety attack. We want to “fix it”, but sometimes we need to take a step back and let the anxiety wave run its course.

4. Breathe

   Helping your child to regulate their breathing can help them to reset their nervous system and feel calmer. You can try and encourage your child to engage in breathing exercises, but if they are too overwhelmed to listen and actively participate, sit with them and regulate your breathing, and their breathing will gradually sync with yours. Sit with your child’s back to your chest and allow your breathing to set the pace for theirs. Try using bubbles to help your child control their breathing.

5. Touch

   Using touch can be highly effective in reducing anxiety and calming the nervous system. We often use touch instinctively to help calm our children: rubbing their back, squeezing their hand in reassurance, stroking their head, etc. You can find out more about the importance of touch in a previous blog post.

6. Lengthen

   When we are anxious, we may tend to curl up, almost as if we are trying to make ourselves invisible. By lengthening ourselves, rolling the shoulders back, opening up the chest, stretching out the fingers, etc, we are releasing the tension in the body, allowing our bodies and brains to feel calmer, more relaxed.

7. Listen

   When your child is talking to you about the things that worry them, listen. Whilst their worries may seem small, silly, illogical or insignificant to you, they are very real to your child. You don’t have to “fix” their problems, or find an answer to their worries: often, just reassuring them that you are there and listening to them will be enough to help them feel secure, heard and empowered to either take action or let the worry go. If you want to explore more about helping your child build their resilience and stand on their own two feet, have a read of this blog.

8. Normalise

   Let your child know that it is normal and okay to worry about things. Having a sense of caution is vital to our survival: if we weren’t concerned about being run over, we would walk blindly into the road without checking for cars, for example. We take out insurance, use passwords and PINs, caution our children against talking to strangers, etc. And when we worry about something, it indicates a sense of importance: if I am worrying about an upcoming test, it is because I want to do well, the results are important to me. Worrying is normal and natural: the issue is when the worries become too big for us to manage, begin to impact on our daily lives, or cause us to feel unwell.

9. Long term plan

   When your child is feeling calm and settled, help them to think about how they manage feelings of anxiety. If they regularly practise breathing techniques, use grounding techniques, use calming self-talk, these strategies can start to take effect and become a more instinctive way of responding to anxiety. It’s important, too, to think about the causes of anxiety and to help your child make an action plan: are these things that are within their control, or negative thoughts, “what ifs”, that they need support in letting go of?

10. Practise

    As with anything we want our children to be proficient at, it is important to practice the strategies on a regular basis. Try and build affirmations, stretches, breathing techniques into your daily routine. Find ways of offering your child space to talk on a regular basis, not just when a difficulty pops up.

11. Reward

    I know I said ten, but here’s your bonus tip! Reward your child when they have managed their anxiety well. Help them to recognise when they have handled an anxiety-provoking situation in a calm and confident manner, and give them praise for this. This can help them to feel more confident in their ability to manage those tricky emotions, but also they will know you have noticed them and the positive attention can work wonders.

Further reading

The following are books that I often recommend to parents and carers. I am not affiliated with any of them, I’ve just found them to be beneficial.

• Little Meerkat's Big Panic: A Story About Learning New Ways to Feel Calm by Jane Evans

• What To Do When You Worry Too Much: A Kid's Guide To Overcoming Anxiety by Dawn Huebner

• The Huge Bag Of Worries by Virginia Ironside

• Worries Go Away! by Kes Gray

I also stock a variety of books and CDs from Relax Kids. I particularly recommend the A Monster Handbook, which helps children feel more in control of their difficult emotions, such as anxiety.

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Aislinn Marek is a qualified person-centred counsellor, registered with the BACP. She has worked within the NHS, education and private practice for many years, and is passionate about supporting people with their mental health.

If you are concerned about your child’s emotional well-being, please do seek support from their health visitor, school nurse or GP. Each child is an individual and should be treated as such.

Image credit: Jo Bishop Photography